3 Big Signs It’s Time | LQ052

Crystal Clark: 00:00:04

Welcome to our love space today. This is our final episode on April showers for 2025 and my April shower that I'm actually having right now is I have a lung infection. So you will have to bear. Bear with my voice for this episode. I was hoping to clear up. I'm waiting to the last minute to record this, but here it is. I sound like a little honky goose, but I promise you that this episode will be worth putting up with my voice to hear these big picture ideas, these three big signs, three big picture signs that you need to go and get relationship support immediately. So this is our last April shower. So this is like kind of a top three list of big picture things where you can no longer work on them, just the two of you, where you're not going to make any traction, where we're not going to see any success. There is not enough self help books, not enough podcasts that you could possibly listen to in order to get out of your relationship, ditch. That's what we're going to call it, right? So if any of these signs speak to you or speak to what's happening in your relationship, please. It's time. It's time, email me, call me, DM me, come track me down. However you can, okay, if you do my little quiz, you will be on my email list. You can do that. I'll put it in the show notes and and you can get a hold of me through the email list. But it is time, it is time for support. And if your relationship is experiencing any of these, and the thing with these things is, I like to call it relationship ditch, when you're in relationship ditch, okay, when you're on the precipice, when you're on the side, you haven't started, or, you know, the dish has just started, and you're just noticing these things, and you're like, huh, maybe we need to do something about it. That's the point where you might be able to take some of the wonderful things that we talk about on this podcast and implement them, and put them in place, and get some forward movement right. Get away from that ditch and be hiking up your wonderful, happy love space hill to get to create that love space that you want to be in, to create that relationship that you want to be in. But if you are down in the relationship ditch, the deeper you dig that ditch with waiting in misery like I don't understand what this number is, like that the average couple, the average couple, waits six years, six years of being uncomfortable, being out of love, being disconnected, before they'll go get help. I just think that's ridiculous. I really can't every time I think about that stat. It really just shocks me. But the longer you wait to get coaching or counseling for your relationship, the deeper you are digging that ditch. And then what happens is we need to do a lot of repairing and a lot of work just to get out of that ditch right. We have to climb up the side of that ditch. And then once we're up there, that's the point where we can start to think about whether, what kind of love space we want, and how we're going to create that, and what wonderful new tweaks and habits and things like that that we're going to do to get the relationship that we want. And so that's why getting out of that ditch can be difficult, right? We really need to find the things under the things in order to get out of there. And that's why you need support, because if you were able to find the things under the things you wouldn't be down in a ditch, right? Things could lose their spark and things can lose their magic potentially, but you won't be necessarily in the ditch. So here are your three big picture signs that you are in a relationship ditch and that we need to get you out. Run Google, whatever you do, you need support immediately. Okay, so I and I'm not going to make you wait, I'm going to list all three, and then we'll dive in. Number one, that you are never on the same page, mood and energy wise, totally out of alignment. Number two is there's no longer any touching in your relationship, either sexual or non sexual, or it's very, very limited. Number three is daily prickles, so like daily bickerings and eye rolls, okay? And eye rolls, we'll get into it, but they're really the kiss of death, unfortunately. Okay? So never being on the same page when I'm talking about this, I am not talking about necessarily like the big rings, like we'll get into the third one, but about your moods and your energy not aligning. So this is a couple where both people seem like they might still be aligned, because they can still hang out in big group events together, and they won't necessarily. Fight, and they will maybe seem like they're having a great time, so they're not yet in that misery stage of just being in the same room as that other person you know makes me feel upset, or everything they say is like annoying and blah. Okay, so, but when they it's but when one person wants to go out, the other person doesn't, when the other person wants to go out, then the other person doesn't when one person wants to order and the other people want to eat out, when one person wants to start some new Healthy Eating routines, the other person's not ready for it, and they're like, no one person wants to do like a sober October. The other person's like, not yet. And then that person will be like, Let's do sober November. Then the other person be like, Nah, all right. Did October, right? So probably you've seen these couples before, but it's like just nothing. Is it just their mood and their energy isn't aligned, in alignment, right? I want to cuddle you don't? I want to do this thing. You don't want to do this thing. And it's not just one person in the relationship doing all these very firm knows it will usually be both people, because they just cannot be on the same page with energy and mood. And sometimes this can seem like it's one person having good boundaries, like, sure if I am out of energy and I'm saying Nope, I don't feel like going out tonight, that is one thing. But when there are constant nos to everyone's mood and energy, back and forth, and there's no flexibility, and there's no compromise in how to possibly align that mood or energy. That's when things fall apart, because everything is a firm no back and forth, and this means that the couple cannot get into a rhythm of positive interactions and instances of positive experiences and positive connection. And if this is you, you're not getting any positive experiences in your love space, in your relationship with just your partner, right? All of your positive experiences come from outside your love space, and even if your interactions like so even if your nose aren't particularly negative, it's still just all of these no's. It's still of just all of these roadblocks of spending time together, right? Because if one person's like, No, I'm gonna stay home and watch Netflix, and then the other person's like, Well, I really feel like going out. You know, there might be some begrudging compromise for a time, right? Where one person like, Fine, I'll go out. The other person's like, Fine, I'll stay in. But after a while, you might just be like, you do you boo, which is a sigh saying, I hate, because I think when we're saying that all of the time, we're this couple, you're this couple, if you're always like you do you boo. And it's fine that not couples can spend different amounts of time together, but you need to have enough positive, shared experiences and shared interactions to be a couple, otherwise you're just going to find yourselves being roommates. Okay? And that's when you get into that roommate energy. Then that is your gateway to other things that are just getting you deeper and deeper in that relationship ditch, because you're not able to share these positive experiences with each other. You're not able to get into a rhythm together. This means that you also won't be able to get into a rhythm or to be in the same mood or energy space to work or put energy into your relationship. And this is why, when you are so misaligned like this, you're going to need support to help you get out of that ditch. If you can't even agree whether we should get takeout or eat out at a restaurant, right? If we can't even agree on that, or we can't be in a positive mood to compromise and be flexible with doing that for each other, then there's no way we're going to be putting new communication tools in. There's no way we're going to be boosting our physical and emotional affection with each other. There's no way we're in a space to be kindful, right? And there's no way that our relationship is creating energy for us and creating love and connection. So that's why you need outside support immediately, because you won't be able to get out of that ditch, and this will just continue, and you will become more and more like roommates. Number two is the No touching. If there is no longer any physical whether it's sexual or non sexual, touching in your relationship, this is a big sign that you need immediate support. So once you stop touching each other, it's really a sign that there's some things under the thing, right? So the thing is not like, oh, I don't want to have sex anymore, or oh, I don't want to hold their hand, or oh, I don't like cuddling. There's a thing under the thing about why the person feels that way, or about why that disconnection. Starts to happen,

Crystal Clark: 00:10:02

our our US, connecting physically as humans. That is really the tangible expression of how we are feeling inside, right, or what kind of vibe we're having for our love of life, right? So obviously, if we're no longer wanting to touch them, right, usually it's the sexual touch, right, that goes first, and then our non sexual touch will follow after that. And when we're at a point where, though, where there's no touching anymore, that is a really good tangible, physical expression of the fact that our connection is gone, right, that we are disconnected, that there are, that there are things under the thing that are stopping us from wanting to touch each other. And it's not just that I've lost sexual interest. It's not just that I don't like holding hands anymore. No, there's something, there's a thing, there's things. There could be multiple things under the thing, right? Because if you're no longer wanting to physically have physical contact with your partner. You're no longer needing physical contact with your partner. You're no longer enjoying touching each other in any way. How are you going to make any traction? How are you going right? If we know that the four big picture things we need to have a wonderful, positive, healthy relationship is good communication, or whatever that is right. We need to think about our communication, our big picture thinking. We need to think about of our affection. We need to think about and be able to be kindful to each other. And we need to have energy for our relationship. We need to put energy into it, and we also want our relationship to be filling up our energy cup, right? That's our cake. That's our piece of cake that we want to enjoy in our relationship, our communication, affection, kindfulness and energy. Well, if we're not willing to touch each other at all, okay, if that gives us the ick, that is a big indicator that we are deep in a relationship ditch, right? Because then you are also no longer creating for each other or eliciting out of each other all of your bonding hormones, right? And then you are no longer being a safe space for each other physically, right? And you're no longer creating, you know the hormones that help you decrease your stress hormones, and you are no longer creating these bonding hormones with each other that are produced and elicited right when you have physical connection with the love of your life. You are no longer eliciting and creating the hormones that help lower your cortisol, right and that help decrease your stress responses and your feelings of overall stress, right? So that means that your physical space, with the love of your life is no longer a safe place that provides these human to human benefits, right? And when we stop having that, then that's when our that's when we start to feel loneliness, right? Loneliness, frustration and tension with the love of our life, right? Because no longer are our hormones and our natural ways to bond with each other being beneficial to us, right? We're no longer tapping into those, and now this is almost just like a stranger that we're with, and if, and if this is your relationship, you need to get support right away. You need to run right I will help you discover and sort out what those things under the things are, or whoever you choose to go see. That's what they will help with first, because we need to start sussing those out, right? That's what we those are the things that are going to help us get out of that relationship ditch, so that we can then start building back in physical connection. And you won't be able to build back in physical connection for a lot of you, just like, hey, you know, things have been going well lately, and now I feel like cuddling and snuggling. No, we're probably going to have to do some weird, wackadoodle hippie dippie you will probably find them a little bit interesting and odd, but we'll probably actually have to do some physical activities and exercises together. And the reason that we are going to do these kind of activities and exercises is because for a lot of couples who are in this space, you need some time to start to feel physically comfortable and safe with each other again before we actually get back to the hand holding and the snuggles on the couch and, you know, cuddling while we sleep, and then To the sex right then to the good part. So you need support. You need a professional that's going to get you over that hump, that's going to get you through that transition of going from physical strangers back to intimate like lovers, intimate love of each other's lives. Or. Dollars, right? You're going to need that. That's not going to happen. If it was going to happen, you would have always gotten yourself out of that ditch, right? And for some of us, it's like, you know, we might be on the precipice of that ditch, but we might go, Okay, do you know what? I am actually going to put some time and some focus and some whatnot in to this relationship? And that's why lots of times when you know therapists or people go like, Oh yeah, you just need more date nights, or you just need more time connecting with each other. That's if you're okay, that's if you're okay, and you feel like you've lost the spark a bit. And remember, we don't want just a regular old date night. We want to make a moment of love, because that is really what therapists are prescribing. When they tell us, go and have some more date nights, go and have some more connection time, and we go like, Oh yeah, I went out to dinner. Super boring. Didn't work, right? We actually want more mega moments of love between us, because that's putting the focus back on our relationship and making it a priority again, right? Making our love for each other, making your love for each other a priority. Okay, that's what we want to do. But if we are down in relationship ditches, right? If we're down in this no physical touching ditch, right? We don't even want to hold hands. I don't even want my leg to touch your leg on the couch, there's going to have to be some repair. There's going to have to be some trust and some safety created, again, around whatever the things under the things were, because in order for you to physically connect with someone again, you need to be willing to be vulnerable in that space. And if we're not back to being vulnerable, then we can't get back to that physical connection. So it is really important that you run like there's that old commercial that you run. Don't walk to get support. Go seek it now. Okay, the third, the big one. Here we go. The final one for today, our final if this is your April shower, instead of it just being a shower, you've dug a huge ditch to you major you made your hole too big, and now no seeds are going to grow. Oh, that's amazing. So no seeds are going to grow for you. If you're all the way down in your ditch, they're just going to get buried under other things, right? Okay, so these are our daily prickles and eye rolls. So think about what I want you to pause and think about is if you had a friend. So you get together your with your bestie every Friday. And every Friday you are you and your bestie get into prickle. You get into a bit of a fight, not even a big fight, a bickering of some sort. But it happens every time you get together. Now every Friday, and then also, and anything you say or or whatever you have said, doesn't even matter if it's an importance or not. Doesn't even matter if it was a joke, a small comment, it could be anything you said, any one thing you said, if your bestie, I rolled you one time every Friday, would that person still get to be your bestie? Would you want that friendship experience anymore? Would you be like, Yep, and I'm gonna go do it again this Friday? No, you would probably start to create distance between you and that bestie. You'd be like, I don't know what's going on, but it's not working out. And the I can't believe they eye rolled me when I said this thing, right? And that if you are having not a nice, positive social experience like that with your bestie, you're not going to show up. And it is the exact same. It is the exact same with the love of your life. If you are having daily prickles or bickerings with each other, right? These low level arguments, not even the yelling, whatever, but these low level kind of arguments every day that's going to throw off our golden ratio, right? It's the same. It's the same. We're not going to want to hang out with that person, right? If you are having if anything you do, right? Is an eye roll.

Crystal Clark: 00:19:00

If anything I say, whether it's an important thing I've said or not, and my love of life, eye rolls me, oh my gosh. What? No, an eye roll is like the kiss of death in a relationship. So if you're having these daily bickerings And these prickles, they that's the usually the first, the step that comes first, that is when we're starting to dig our relationship ditch, as we're starting to have all these prickles, it's throwing off our five to one ratio. So instead of having our five positive experiences with each other or interactions with each other to everyone prickle it's almost like we're reversing it, and we're getting five prickles to everyone, good interaction with each other that's throwing things off of balance, and then from there, we're going to get deeper into our ditch, because eventually the eye rolls will come and it's not good. This means that there's really a communication breakdown between you, a big communication breakdown, and it means that you aren't really fully being able to be kindful to each other, and you aren't. Really thinking about each other's perspectives in all these moments. Because if you were thinking about each other's perspectives, then you might be able to step back for a moment be like, Hey, do you know what? It doesn't really matter how, how we clean this thing. Sure, if you want to clean it that way, you do it that way. Or it doesn't really matter how the chicken gets cooked, right? Just as long as it can go in this thing, or it doesn't really matter if we take the garbage out the night before morning of if it's not my job to take the garbage out, it's up to you, right? Okay, but we are. We lose out on perspective taking when we can no longer see it like that and that there's a right way and a wrong way. We're being adversarial with each other continuously, okay? And then the eye rolls, like I said, they are really almost a nail in the relationship coffin. They are all that's almost to a point where we might not be able to get you back out, unfortunately, because an eye roll is really a powerful way for you to show another human being out there that you don't respect them, that whatever they are saying is stupid, right, that whatever they're saying you disagree with, but you don't even care to have a conversation to disagree. You just roll, roll your eyes, and you just walk away, right? Or you just have, right, whatever that is or and it's and it shows a sign of disbelief, right? Like I don't even believe what you're saying is true. So either it's not true, I disagree, and I don't care to be nice about it. I don't care to actually have a conversation or communication about it. I'm just going to show you how much I disrespect what I what you said, and it could be something important. It could be something not important. Is is a sign of disrespect. It's a sign that you're no longer willing to communicate vulnerably and kindly with the love of your life, or vice versa, them with you. And John Gottman, out of the Gotham Institute, which we all love around here at Spark forever, right? I love those guys, they and they're such an adorable, sweet couple. But he's actually associated the an eye roll with contempt, with the feeling of contempt, and that when we start to have contempt for our partner, that's one of the emotions Where is really hard to get back to Okay, and if we can't get back to okay, then we can't get to good, great, loving, fantastic, amazing, being sparked for each other. And that's one of the biggest indicators for him, of couples getting divorced is once you have people in the relationship that have contempt for each other. So if we're starting to experience these side rules, like, don't even run. Like I said, Run. Don't even listen to the end of this episode. Turn this off. Get email me. Email someone. You need to get some support. Okay, get support, because this is a big deal if you are having eye rolls with the love of your life. Okay, don't even wait. Don't so getting because getting support, there's nothing wrong with getting support. There's nothing shameful with getting support. And I'm not sure why people have this stigma about relationship support, but it is so beneficial. It is so beneficial to do when your relationship is in a good space and is super functional and is going well, because we can figure out why it's going well. If it's going well accidentally, we can source that out. We can also create Eve something even more beautiful and better, right? You there's no, there's no, no one's perfect. No relationships are perfect. They all have room for growth. They all have room for being more wonderful, more abundant, more fulfilling. Okay, but if you are in any of these relationship ditches, getting support is going to change your life, and it's better to get support when we're still getting support to and put energy into our relationship and to repair our relationship, rather than we're going to counseling. And it's almost like divorce counseling, like, how are we going to work out this divorce properly? And when couples wait too long to get support, that's what your marriage counseling turns into. So if any of you out there who are listening are like, well, I did marriage counseling before, and it didn't really work, and that's why I just want to listen to podcasts and do the self help book and try to do things myself. Well, maybe it didn't work because we waited, because you waited too long, right? You waited too long for the marriage counseling or the coaching to really turn into, like I said, divorce support of how, of whether it's time to get divorced, and how we're going to navigate this separation rather than let's fix things, make things awesome and get them back to being sparked. You.