Actual Love | LQ033

Crystal Clark: 00:00:00

Welcome to our love space today. I am so excited to have you here as always, and I actually have a little story to share with you all today. So I was recently at a little social get together, and I was chatting with someone, and they they know what I do for work for a living. They know I support couples, and they've, you know, they've seen a few of my social media posts. I don't think that they've ever listened to this, to the podcast, but anywho, so I'm going to call them. What can I call this person? Oh, I'm going to call them a non believer. Okay, so this is because I was chatting to this non believer. And the reason why I'm going to call them a non believer is because they were telling me they felt the need to share with me that they don't. They don't think that you can improve a relationship. So their take was that you either click or you don't. And for some people, it just takes them longer to find out that they don't click. Now, to me, this is pretty crazy, because that's telling me that it takes some people, like 1015, 2025, years to figure out that they don't click. No, I 100% disagree, but I found this interesting because one of the things that they kind of picked out for their argument was something I had posted about micro moments of love, which actually comes out of Barbara Fredrickson work. Love 2.0 fantastic book. If you haven't read it, it's great. It's more like the a little bit theory. So if you're looking for, like, a more of a how to book, that's not so much. But if you're like, Oh, I'm interested in and love and knowing how our brains work and about love and things like that, then it's a fantastic book. And it really, you know, when I read that book, it really changed my purse, or not really changed my perspective, but it solidified in my perspective of how I think we should interact as little human beings with each other. But so there you go. So that the micro moments I have taken off of her work with positivity resonance and how her work goes dives into a lot of research about how, when we as humans, share these small moments with each other. So that's, you know those micro moments that you know small exchanges, like when we share a smile or when we share a piece of small talk or like a nod Hello, or things like that, that all of those little pieces of social connection are actually what fills up our Emotional cups as human beings, and it's not actually big, grandiose moments of affection, and, you know, the world stopping and things like that. And you know, your best friend paying 1000s of dollars to fly halfway across the country. It's not, it's actually the little moments, like, probably, even if I think about that, probably like the little moments of your friends just sending you memes, right? Because you're like, Oh, I know this person is thinking about me. I came to mind for them. And that's very powerful. So that got to my thinking that if you have these moments of, you know, positivity resonance, or these micro moments of love, and that's what's filling up your emotional cup, just as a human being out and about in the everyday world, then obviously this would also apply, and even maybe more so, to your everyday moments and exchanges with your favorite human right, with the love of your life, and that that's what's going to fill up our emotional relationship cups as little human beings with each other is having more and more of these micro moments. So his retort to that was that holding hands with his ex wouldn't have made them stay together. And I agree and disagree. So obviously I agree. You know, if that is the only thing you are adding in is some hand holding, and you are not looking at the other pieces, because don't forget, we have to look at all the pieces of the cake, right? We're not just looking at affection. We're not just looking at that hand holding piece that we're also looking at our communication, and we're also looking at our kindfulness, and we're also looking at our energy, and where our energy is with each other and for each other and in our life, right? So those are all the big building blocks that we're looking at, not just the affection piece, right? But I will say the wonderful thing about the affection piece is that it really taps in. It's a building block, right? It's this big picture building block that we can fill in with whatever detail we want, but it really actually taps into our body's natural processes for boosting our mood and boosting our ability to connect with other human beings, right? So. If we're doing things where we think of affection and now again, you know, it's not for every couple that I that I work with, that we start with the affection piece. Sometimes we have to start at other places. But the affection piece or or putting more micro moments in during your day can be a great way to start. Because even if you're at a point in your relationship where you're like, we're not really having sex like we're not really being intimate, because that's how disconnected we feel. If you start to put in those small, micro moments with each other, okay, because you can't, you're like, I'm I'm not even like, I'm not ready for a hug. I'm not ready for whatever. There's other ways that we can get in these moments of of a positive emotion with each other, these positive interactions with each other, that are really going to build towards us being able to access those other points, right, that are going to start to make it so that we want to work on our communication with each other, that we can tap into that, that we want to work on our kindfulness with each other, that we Have some energy, or we're thinking about prioritizing our energy for each other, right? And so faction can play a big role in that. And I actually wanted to share this story because my brain start to go down a little tangent here, thinking about this and thinking about just that person's like it was an amazing, visceral reaction. We weren't in a heated debate, but just that person's reaction to the fact that they were definitely offended, or definitely, like, uh about, right, about the fact that hand holding or having, you know, breaking things down into this kind of way could have an effect on their life. So it really made me think this, you know, this is going to be posted during the the the the month of December, during the holiday season for me. And so I was thinking that, you know, with with this time of year and the hustle and bustle and running around to all these social events and the new year coming. So really thinking about the things I want to do in 2025 or the things I want you all to do right in 2025 that it really just I have, I have this wish for all of you to be able to have more, more human connection, more I guess, moments of micro, moments of love with each other and and more fulfilled, I guess, social connection moments, and less it be and less of it being about draining. And I have to see these people, and I have to talk to those people. Why do I have to say hi to the cashier in the store? I don't want your social your social moments to be like that going into 2025, so this, this is kind of this tension is kind of going down. My Christmas wish for all of you out there, My holiday wish for all of you so but so we'll get, well, let's hop back to this idea of affection. Well, we have, we let my, my holiday wish ruminate back there. Okay, because these moments, these micro moments, they tap in to, or they trigger release of oxytocin in our body. And we all know oxytocin because it's like a well known fact. I think nowadays it's all over the internets and the social medias and everything that oxytocin is our cuddle hormone. It's our bonding hormone. It is what gets released often in the early parts of our relationship. So it starts to create that bond with each other, so that we will want to be connected, to be monogamous, or mostly monogamous, that we will want to join together and be on a little human journey with each other. So oxytocin is really important for us, but what's very interesting and important about it is actually it's not just the kissing, the sex and the cuddling that release oxytocin in our body. There's actually a lot of other social behaviors that we do that are important to triggering the release of oxytocin, and that many of them also,

Crystal Clark: 00:09:09

many of these social behaviors actually also decrease our production or decrease the release of cortisol and other stress hormones in our body. So not only when we are now we'll go over these, these social kind of interaction behaviors that we do so but if we want to think about it, just at the start, get this in our brain that it's not only when we are releasing oxytocin that we're like, yay. It's boosting my mood because it's releasing this positive hormone into my body, but it is also decreasing the ones that make us feel like we are in fight or flight or freeze energy, right? It's giving us that space to be able to pause and to take in, you know, the to take in, I guess, to approach our relationship with. More kindfulness and approach our LOL, right, our love of life from a kindful space. And when I was doing research for this, and kind of looking at studies, so after I chat to the guy or to the person, and shared with him, you know, kind of what I knew about oxytocin release and what I knew about positivity residents. Then for you guys, today, I did a little bit more research and kind of looking at some of the more interesting social behaviors that we can do. So one study actually found that just being present, so you know how I use kindfulness that needs to be in the moment, to be present with the person and to be receiving you their intentions and your interactions in a kindful way. And so it's super interesting, because actually being present and in the moment with another human being, so probably your love of life, but this can actually be any human being. Is that sharing eye contact and sharing that joint attention for that moment, like you and me are sharing a moment, and I'm actually looking towards your face and your eyes and thinking about you, okay, that that actually releases oxytocin in our body. So even sharing some eye contact with a stranger right, looking up at the cashier when you're at the store right, making eye contact when you walk by someone, those moments can actually also release oxytocin. So if you think about how much you know nowadays, we walk around with our head down in our phone, right, or in a computer or like staring at the TV and not actually sitting face to face and not actually looking at each other and knowing that that small change could boost your mood and not just boost your mood by the fact that we're boosting our oxytocin levels, but we're boosting our mood because we're also decreasing those cortisol levels and those other stress hormones and taking ourselves out of that fight flight, I always mix those up our fight flight or freeze responses, right? That we're not in just constant survival mode. Well, what an impact that would have on us. So, and maybe I was actually thinking about this. Maybe this is why Tiktok is really taking off as a platform, because there and YouTube, because there's a lot of face on camera work, right, close up, face and eye contact to the camera, and so I wonder if that it'd be interesting for them to do a study on that to see if that actually triggers or releases their oxytocin in our in our bodies, okay? And another study actually looked at smiling, or there's actually quite a few studies that look at smiling, and how the fact that, even if we use a even if we use a forced smile, it can trick our brain into thinking that we're actually in a better mood or happier than we actually are. So even us forcing ourselves to smile every once in a while can put ourselves in a better mood, but also exchanging smiles with a person also produces oxytocin. Okay? So again, if you're just walking down the street and you choose to smile instead of look down, or you choose to smile at the cashier, we're doing good for for everyone in the world. When we do that, we're doing good for our own mental health and our own social health. And then, you know, we bring that home to our relationships. We bring that positivity home to the love of our life, right? But we're also, you know, boosting that person's mood and quality of life just by smiling at them, right? And it does seem, you know, when I say these things, I understand. It seems cheesy, it seems silly, it seems oversimplified and too simple. But it's actually, it's actually not we are programmed, most of us are programmed to be at least moderately social beings, right? And there's always a range. There's always the less social and the like hyper social. I'm definitely on that the hyper social end. But if you just think about that, like, wow, we are programmed to be moderately social as a survival mechanism, and whatever else evolved, you know, in our need to do this, and it's just amazing to think that we could be getting all of these freebies during the day and boosting every Wednesday, not just our own day, but strangers, the people we love, everyone right? There's a few new studies. So there's been some debate going back and forth on whether this releases oxytocin and lowers our cortisol levels, but the few newer studies that I was looking at do confirm, do concur that there's a connection between choral singing, so that's when we all sing along together as a group. Okay, so that'd be like if you're at a if you're at the T Swift concert. So that's probably on my brain. I'm not going, but Taylor Swift is in town where I am in Vancouver this weekend for two shows. These are the closing shows of her tour, and everyone is very excited, right? I think even if you're not going, there's kind of a positive vibe going on in the whole city, which is pretty crazy to think. And I mean, I have not, I've seen clips of the eras tour, yeah. But besides the spectacle of it, but just besides it being like, Oh, that's a great stage. And there's great songs. There is also the piece of everyone is singing along to all these songs. There is a joint community. There's also, they also do the friendship bracelets at the Taylor Swift concerts. Okay, so the gifting of things also a few studies showing that giving right, giving things back and forth, also produces oxytocin, especially when you give when you give it, it produces oxytocin. So now, everyone's been putting time into thinking about other people making these bracelets. I don't know if there's I haven't, I actually didn't dive into any studies whether that creates oxytocin or not. But maybe that's just about the excitement of the concert. But people are putting in mindful time to make these gifts to give to strangers. Think about that, and then we're and then they're all going to sing along together for hours, okay, for hours. And there have been, I remember, I don't know if this is from the beginning of the tour, but there was one place where they did, they had her concert, and it was sold out, and people are just standing outside the arena or the or the stadium or whatever, listening because they could hear the concert and singing along outside and and exchanging bracelets outside With the people that couldn't get tickets, amazing. So those, all of those exchanges, think about that choral singing. Think about the last time you were at a concert that could be filling up your emotional cup. And I was actually really excited to figure this out, because when, when me and my LOL, and me and my love of love get together with our friends, with quite a few friends that really enjoy music, and so we love to play. Actually, it was my LOL, sister's boyfriend, so I guess Brother, brother in law, by extension, he came up with this game, and we call it the music game, where he was like, hey, or maybe they called it the DJ game at the beginning, but it was like, we all are sitting, you know, after dinner, enjoying glass of wine or whatnot, and some desserts. And he was like, okay, so everyone's gonna get a turn with the phone, and you're gonna play two or three songs. We're gonna pick a decade, so it's the 80s or the 90s or the whatever, and you get to play two or three songs in a row, and we would pass the phone around. And so it's great because everyone's playing their like, two or three favorite songs from the 80s, or two or three favorite songs from the 90s, or, you know, whatever we chose to do. And because they're probably your favorites, everyone is singing along, right? They're, like, probably well known songs, and everyone's singing along and, and we love those things. We love them so much, you know, we'd probably do them once a month now, when we get together with people. And, you know, I think probably one of the reasons now that I know these facts is that we're releasing so much oxytocin because we wake up the next morning, we're like, oh my gosh, wasn't that amazing? Wasn't that so fun? I could do it immediately again, and it's and and I thought we were just creating lovely memories. But we know with oxytocin that that's the bonding hormone, and I feel like playing that game has definitely increased. You know, my bonds with the people that I have played it with, right? Looking in hindsight like I thought we was just because we're spending good times together. But there's probably a little bit more science to it than just spending the good times together, and that that always puts my brain on fire. How we do these things accidentally, and they're and they actually have some science behind them. And so do play that game that's actually probably a great game to play at, you know, a family gathering of the holidays, or, you know, a little ski vacation, a road trip, right? You could, you could everyone could take turns playing songs in the car. So there you go. You're welcome. Enjoy the increased bonding experience.

Crystal Clark: 00:18:44

There's also some preliminary research. Now, this article that I found, I think it was, I can't remember the journal name. Now, this is between chimpanzees, okay, so I will put that out there. I'm not going to give you fake news, but there is some preliminary research that has come out about the fact that sharing meals and sharing food, and this, again, is between chimpanzees, but that that releases oxytocin and releases bonding hormones. So that's interesting to think. And if you think about the fact that often nowadays, we are eating meals in a rash, we're eating in our car, we're going through drive throughs, or we're eating in front of the Netflix, or, you know, we don't, we're eating meals separately, like, you're home from work at this time and hungry, and I'm home from work at this time in Hungary. And we think it's inconsequential. We think actually eating meals together is archaic. It's antiquated. We don't need to do it old school. Who's, who's, you know, like, what are we in? 1950s housewife coming to the door with our husband slippers and like an apron and looking all done up and being like, I made you a seven course meal. No, we don't. You can. You can have your McDonald's. You can have your girl dinner. Have a granola bar and a glass of wine. I don't know what you want to do, but have it with the love of your life. How? Have it with your family. And so this really made me think that going back kind of to My holiday wish, where we can get caught up in the hustle and the bustle and the stress of like, oh my gosh, I have to cook for 10 people. I have to cook for 20 people. We're having this potluck. We're having this thing. I have to clean the house, blah blah. We can get caught up in the stressful parts of these occasions and these events. But what I would really like is for and I understand that there could be some stressful lead up, but what I would like you to do is to pause for that family meal. I want you to pause for that family meal, and really, when you finally get to sit down, when you're finally taking that apron off. Does anyone cook in an apron anymore? I have several, and I've been trying to, because it does actually make sense, but I just, I always forget, and I go, Ah, yeah, I get sauce spread splashed all over me. And I'm like, Ah, I should have worn my apron. Anywho. When you finally sit down, when you finally go and you take that apron off and you are sitting down to that family meal. Okay? I want you to pause and give yourself a moment. Okay, give yourself a moment to bring yourself into the room, to bring yourself to that table, to bring yourself into your chair and really bring yourself into the moment to be there with those other human beings that are there with you, even if your holiday dinners and your holiday events are just you and the love of your life. Take that moment to pause and really bring yourself in to the moment, to be present right. Be in the moment. Make that eye contact and look at each other, share a laugh, share a smile. Really enjoy that act of sharing food and sharing that moment and eating together. Okay, pause and really notice it, right? Talk. Notice how you're talking to each other and how that is filling you up, how you're able to laugh, how you're able to smile. Really take in that moment of having that wonderful holiday meal, holiday dinner, really be there in that gathering, because there's no point of having it if we're all just going to rush around and be stressed out, and then rush, rush through that meal. Be like, Oh my gosh. I just can't wait till these people get on my house then that don't even have them, right? Because we're not getting anything out of that bonding moment, and we're just making it more dreadful. We need to reframe our thinking, right? Let dinner be a mess. Let's just all eat Katie. Let's all just have craft dinner for holiday dinner, and really enjoy each other's time. And that sharing of resources, right? And, oh, that actually might be a connection to why sharing meals would be bonding. Because you're kind of sharing, if we go back to that, that other study, or the other studies about gifting things and those creating oxytocin, maybe the sharing of resources, right? The sharing of food is like gifting something to think about. Again, I didn't that's not something I read in research, just something that you know maybe might connect a few of those research papers. And then after you have enjoyed that meal, I want you to play the music game now. Bonus, bonus, if you sit around the table or move to the living room play the music game, but it's this affection. It's these micro moments that can take so many shapes, so not just in the hand, holding the hugs, the kisses, the whatnot, these micro moments that can take so many shapes. And yes, I'm I'm here to help you figure out what shapes they could take. I am here to help you figure out how you can get more of them every day, all of 2025 with the love of your life 100% but imagine what life might be like. Imagine what the world might be like. Okay, I'm getting bit cheesy here, but like, imagine what it would be like, what the loneliness epidemic would be like. I don't know if you know this, but the CDC and the who, I think, all the way back from 2019 so before COVID, before we were made to social distance, that there was a loneliness epidemic going on in the world, that people are really reporting high rates of feeling alone, feeling isolated and feeling disconnected from human interactions, right? So imagine if we all put more energy, not more work, right? More energy toward doing more and noticing more of these micro moments right, of these micro moments of love. So My holiday wish for you, and it it definitely is going to sound cheesy, and it's actually also going to quote one of my favorite holiday movies. Is for. Everyone to just have time to pause. Just really have time to pause and and notice these micro moments. And I think here's my little quote. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you will find that love is actually all around That's my wish for you to be sparked you.