Affection is Connection | LQ007

Crystal Clark: 00:00:00

Welcome to our love space today, it's always a treat to have you all be joining in with me on this exploration. So we've been getting into tweaking our mega moments of love. And for those who are just joining us on this episode are mega moments are what we're kind of renaming and re vamping date nights. Because just your typical boring date night, as we've learned in the last few episodes is, is a great outdated, but our new mega moments of love are not and they're so valuable to your relationship and your growth and you're staying sparked and connected. So we explored how you can add in kind fullness to your connection time. But what's the next big picture thing that we should tweak or add in if we've given that a try. So the next big thing we're thinking about is affection. So you know, if we just look at the regular old, you know, definition of affection in most of the dictionaries, and if you do a little Google search, we get, you know, it's a feeling of liking or caring for someone, a tender attachment or fondness. Just love that sounds, fondness and tender attachment. Those are just great to me. So the difficult thing, though, is that we can't see this right, that affection actually, as is described as a feeling, we can't see feelings. And especially because and this goes for my neuro spicy peeves. And also lots of us out there that you know, not all of us are great at reading the typical physical signs of a feeling, right. So usually we can tell people's feelings, by their facial expressions by the tone of voice, they use their body language, their word choice, all of those things. And some of us are also not great at using those tools to express our own feelings so that other people know how we're feeling in that moment, right. And that's when we can run into some of our miscommunications and our miscommunications over affection, and whether we are sharing it and receiving it with each other. So that means that sometimes we might be missing out on affection or acts of affection, that are actually already there. And we could also be forgetting to turn our feelings into actions, right, so that our partner can actually clearly see how we're feeling in the moment and make it more accessible to our partners to see that. And that's the key here is really, really being able to show, really being able to show and accept those acts of affection with our partners is that is that exchange, that's what's going to make our mega moments of love, feel more like love and feel more like connection is really getting that exchange happening. So a good starting off point for this really, for couples is to talk about it. And I know that sounds so simple, right? Oh, yeah, I talked about it. Okay, so the thing I love that just talking about it does, and this is gonna sound maybe to some of you out there, like a little cheesy, I do in my personal relationship do get kind of cheesy with it. Especially because, you know, kind of this is my job, right? And so of course, I'm going to practice, you know, I'm telling you guys to practice, of course, I'm going to be practicing those in, you know, my own personal relationship, it would be silly if I didn't, if I'm like, You guys do this, and I don't. So you could even make a chat. And this is what I would do, about how you like to show each other affection. And you could make that into a megaphone of love. You could make that your date night like, Hey, we're going to get together. And you know, like, I always think, for me, too, I'm such a, like a food person. And like oral person that I always think like, hey, let's sit down and have a chat and have a drink or have an appy or have some food or have some dinner or do whatever. So I think this could be wonderfully paired with a mega moment of love, where our mega moment is actually going to be around how we like to share affection with each other. And that's what we're going to chat and hang out about for that time. So and then you're kind of like doubling up, right? Because you're getting that mega moment of love. And in that Metromover love you're finding out how to get more love. Oh my gosh, I just love it when we can double up things like that. And some of you though, for just having that talk. You might not know, right? Like usually we get this kind of information about like how we like to give and receive love from previous relationships. Well, maybe maybe our previous relationships were not super successful in this way and we didn't know actually figure out how we like to receive it or give it maybe we haven't really had that many past relationships that, you know, have kind of gone on long enough, where we've gotten to experience this enough, maybe we've had no relationships, maybe we've only had friendships. Who knows. So I've just sitting down and chatting about it and brainstorming about it and whatnot, about what you like and don't like. And that if you feel you have no clue, you may want to start, you know, with something that's already created for you. So an example I can give of this is, and this is a great place to start to, I should tell you guys what it is, right? So you could start off with something like the five languages of love, they have a little quiz on their website. And so I will put the link in the show notes, so you guys can access that easily. Now, this is something fun to do, where like I said, if you're going to be like me and sit down and have a glass of wine, even though you would both have out your phones, you could both be kind of like going through the quiz together. And you know, maybe you're not sharing your answers, but you're reading the question out loud, or you're both just kind of doing it and then you're going to talk about your results with each other and whether there were any surprises or like you know, do any of yours lineup Joe, you complete opposites, you know, sort of what's going on. And that can be a great way to start that conversation. And what I was gonna say about the five languages of love is even though they're not exhaustive of all the possible ways, you can show affection for me who the big picture thinker, it does give you like five kind of big categories of how people can give and receive affection. So it's a great place to start, right, a great place to start a conversation about maybe like you didn't know, that's how you like to give and receive affection cool. Now another step is, after we get that conversation started is we're going to start to think about are the big pieces to think about being flexible with each other. So that's one of my favorite words. So this is really about recognizing that sometimes I get to show affection in the way that I want to show affection and sometimes that I have to, you know, show affection in the way that's more preferred by my partner. Okay, well, I'll give you an example first. So if you have someone and I'll pick this because this is me, and so it's easy for me to think about, it's kind of my go to examples, if you have someone who's has physical affection, very high. So the five love languages just because these are what I'm taking the examples from our physical affection slash touch, gift giving acts of service, oh, words of affirmation, and was the fifth one, anyhow, you can look it up. So kind of toxic chunks things into that. So if we ask someone who's has physical affection is very high on their list, okay, and maybe gift giving at the bottom. And then the other person is like opposite gift giving is at the top and physical affection is at the bottom, then, you know, if I'm, if I'm the physical affection person, it comes easily to me, it's natural for me to just be touchy feely, cuddly, snuggly, whatnot. And that's kind of how I is my natural way to sort of show affection. But it's also one of my highly preferred ways to receive affection. So I don't actually have to put as much energy into showing affection in that way. It just kind of happened. Okay. But say, for something like gift giving, if that's at the bottom of my profile, that I might have to actually put more energy and thought into pausing and being like, hey, this person that I'm with loves to receive little actual tangible physical tokens of affection. And, you know, I need to be more thoughtful and mindful and kindful of putting energy into making that happen, right. And they can be gifts like, you know, not just birthday, and, you know, whatever winter holidays, celebrate Christmas gifts, you know, or Valentine's, but you know, people who typically, like gift giving, it is more like they want, you know, like the little surprise gifts to the little like,

Crystal Clark: 00:09:10

I was at the grocery store, and I saw this food that's normally not on our grocery shopping list, but I know you love it. So I'm gonna grab that thing for you and bring it home and be like, hey, look what I got. That's how that person is feeling love and affection. So you have to be I would have to put more energy into showing some showing someone affection through that. Probably also, you know, through maybe through acts of service, I guess, oh, quality time. That's the fifth one jumped in there. So yeah, so acts of service, you know, like big acts of service that aren't on my normal errand list or my normal chore list. That also I have to be a little bit more mindful of doing things for that piece. So you can see that, you know, put it you might have to put in extra effort and that's where that flexibility comes in is sometimes it's just natural, and I get to, you know, touch and hug and whatnot. And you'll probably have to be flexible with accepting that and not being like, Oh, I hate snugly for being like, Oh, can I like, maybe we can snuggle for the first 10 minutes of sleep, and then we get our own sleeping space, or our snuggling is for couch and movie time and not so much for sleeping time. Or I love it when we hold hands when we walk around when we go for an evening walk, but I don't love holding hands on the couch, because we're just already here. So you know, those are the kinds of things that you can talk about once you have some of these ideas going. Okay, so we're going to talk about it. And we're going to explore some of those ways. So that's our five, our five love languages, or whatever else you guys find. I mean, you can Google stuff. And this is why I like you guys to give you the big picture. And then you guys can kind of paint in with details. Or, you know, if you want to actually book in a session with me, we can paint in it, I can, we can go through resources and find details together. But you know, for the sake of this pocket, I like you guys to be able to be like, Hey, that's a cool, big idea. What can we do to fill that in? Alright, so we're going to talk about it, we're going to explore ways to show it. And some of this is going to start to feel a little vulnerable. Okay, that's okay. Isn't it okay to be vulnerable with the love of your life? I think it should be right. Okay. So if it's not, that's kind of like one of those starter steps we need to make, maybe go back a few steps and find out how we can kind of get a little bit more that openness and vulnerability. But some of this may start to feel a little vulnerable. And actually, it's very interesting. So I did find a study that shows that couples are able to be more vulnerable with each other, actually tend to have an easier time showing affection to each other. Cool. And then it kind of feeds back in on itself. And they actually think that affection can be linked to higher self esteem. So if you're more willing to show affection, you're more likely to have higher self esteem. And vice versa. If you have higher self esteem, you're more likely to show affection. And that kind of I think goes back to that thing, like one of my favorite quotes, and it's from Ron Paul, is if you have to go if you can't love yourself, if you don't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love anyone else. And that is so true, right? If you are in a place where you have high self worth, or high self esteem, you're in a place where you think that you're valuable enough to receive love, and valuable enough to give love like that people will want your love and or want your affectionate actions in return. And so that ability to love yourself, allows you or have affection for yourself allows you to have it for other people. So that's just like a little interesting tidbit. But anyhow. So back to our mega moment of love and adding an affection. So once you can chat about it, then you can start to be more mindful about putting that energy right into those gestures. So that's where you're coloring in your details, what are those gestures for in your relationship that make you both feel loved, right, and that you love to accept from each other. And just for fun, I have a couple extra things that maybe aren't quite big picture. But you know, you can still color in some smaller details into them. But you know, just some extra ways to add affection. And so since I am a physical touch a physical affection person, I would encourage or challenge you to try to find ways to add physical connection to your relationship. Now I know all of our relationships are so different out there. And this doesn't have to be like actual sexual connection for some of you it will be in that will be amazing for you and you'll have a fantastic time, right? But for some of you, that's going to be more of that non kind of sexualized, like hand holding, cuddling, you know kisses, what hugs, whatever, you know, just sitting even with your bodies touching on the couch, right? Someone's legs up on someone else, whatever you want. Okay, I challenge you to find even if you guys don't think you're touchy feely people or even if physical touch is on the bottom of your love your five languages of love profile when you end up doing it. You know, even if that's on the bottom, I still challenge you to do this. And the reason why is because we know that physical connection with the loves of our lives, releases oxytocin and oxytocin is like that love snuggle hormone, and it actually creates more bonding between us the people we share oxytocin with. So that's one of the things it also releases dopamine and serotonin in your brain it and it also decreases a lot of the stress hormones. So it's increasing a lot of your feel good hormones and decreasing a lot of your stress hormones. And that is just, you know, fantastic in our everyday has literally bacilli busy lives that we could get this through again, oh my gosh, again redoubling things up, Oh, I love it when we can double things up. So right, so it's like, oh, we're creating a stronger bond between the two of us by adding in some physical connection. But we are also sort of maybe decreasing some of our, our stress, just coincidentally, so fantastic. Okay, so let's, so I challenge you to do that, right. Even if you're not super big on this, I do challenge you to add some bits in here and there. And usually, if we, you know, like, if you decide to add some physical touch in, it will become more routine, and it will become more part of your relationship. And then it won't seem like it takes so much energy to put in, right, or it doesn't seem like it's so uncomfortable, or like it's so vulnerable or things like that. So that's one of the challenges. I also challenge you to add in some moments in between, or leading up to your Mega moments of love, where you share about how you're thinking about the other person. So this could be like, some people call these like love notes, or, you know, maybe you just want to text each other, you can even put something on a sticky note, right and put it on the fridge, leave it on the cell phone, put it in their lunch, I don't know, leave it in the car, put it on the windshield, whatever you want. Because we weren't new in a relationship. And we have all that new relationship, energy and excitement for each other. It's like, we want the other person to know we're thinking about them, we want the other person to say, Hey, I'm in contact with you. Even when we're not physically together, we should add that back in to our relationships, let that person know that you're thinking about them. Because remember, again, just like are just like that idea of affection. It's a feeling right? And thinking about someone is a thought and they can't see our thoughts. So we need to make these thoughts, seeable to them. And again, you can make your thoughts seeable however you wish, right, that's the part that's maybe the kind of the, the detail part that you get to color in. I even like just sending, you know, like a text, right. That's how I like to do it. And sometimes it's even just as plain as thinking about, you know, kissy face or thinking about you heart or whatever, just so it pops up on the live on my last phone because Oh, cool. All right, it will give you a warm fuzzy probably. And if it doesn't give you a warm, fuzzy, you I know you guys are going to figure out a way to communicate some of those thoughts of like, yeah, you're still in my brain all the time with each other in the way that feels best for you guys. So I challenge you to do that. And my last little affection idea or challenge is to think about being polite to each other. Oh, weird. I

Crystal Clark: 00:18:01

bet you didn't think I was gonna say that. Yes. Okay. So, so many times we save some of our best behavior for the people we're least close to. Now, that's kind of like a social rule. And we actually do teach that to kids that you know, there are that usually the more comfortable you are with people the closer to their inner circle that are, the more your social skills change. Right. And that's that more vulnerable and open peace, right? I'm not going to walk around, you know, looking like a disaster when I go into work, probably because I don't want people to think that I might be a disaster. I'm going to, you know, modify that a little bit. But in your relationship, I think that the small the small things like the please, and the thank yous, which are really just acknowledgement of a person that is doing something for me, right, that they don't have to do. I think that's a piece that we forget, when we're in relationships, there's things that we should do for each other. There's things that if we do them, it makes our relationship healthy. But really, no one knows anything. And no one owes anyone anything in this world. And that's why relationships are like a collaborative Teamwork project. Because we don't owe anyone, anything there. We are there to collaborate and build together. And that makes us both more successful together. Right. It's not like a tit for tat, you know, that would be a versus situation. Oh, you did this. So I owe you this. No, we're collaborating together. So saying, Please, and thank you. It's like, wow, I am acknowledging that you have done something for me. Right. Oh, did you get when you're walking into the kitchen, I know you're going there. Right. So I understand that some people's minds are like, well, it didn't take them much effort. They were already pouring themselves a drink, or they were already going and getting this and, and my phone was right beside their phone. Sure, but they still picked it up and they still politely gave it over to you. They didn't check it at you. Right? This is it? Oh, here you go, of course. Right. So you go Cool, thanks. Right I just think that's something that just creates a lens of positivity that is so you know, such a small thing to say please, or just say thank you, and it creates such a lens of positive acknowledgement in your relationship that you won't even really realize is there. And some of you lucked out because you haven't been in relationships where there's no please and no thank yous. And when you are, it's like very, you know, can feel very heavy. So that is my challenge is to make sure that you keep up that politeness with each other that respect for each other's time and energy, right? Because remember, we're thinking about how to put energy into our relationships, someone has taken a moment to put energy into your relationship put energy into you, then, you know, why not acknowledge it? Right? Why not say thank you? Well, it just brightens up everyone's day. And it helps you to also realize like, wow, that person did something for me. And that also gives you more positive thoughts about them, because sometimes we can get caught into that always, right. They, they always do this, they never do this, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? But actually, probably like, you know, there probably are times where they actually did do something positive and something kind or something. kindful and we just, we didn't connect it, right? Okay, so those polite words help us make those connections. So really, we're going to be polite with each other. We're going to talk about how we show our love. We're even going to touch, touch and text about it. And that's going to make our mega moments of love, more sparked