Be Best Friends | LQ013

Crystal Clark: 00:00:00

Welcome to our love space today, super exciting weekend that I just had getting to talk at the local women's expo, I got to talk about best friend energy, and how everyone could get a little more of that. And it's so great because I, you know, me, I am big on my social health piece. And that means that getting to have those mirror neurons and that people energy in the moment and actual humans is always so great, whenever I get a chance to do that I love talking with you guys out here. But that in person thing just cannot be beat and what maybe one day we'll all get to meet in person, that would be really, really great. Maybe we could do an in person podcast, that would be super fun. But one of the things that you know, and getting to kind of dive into more, you know, that friendship piece, which is kind of my wheelhouse from years and years ago, it was kind of fun to get to look at the new stats and the new numbers and dive into some new research that I hadn't looked at in a little while. And because I'm a big picture thinker, you know, whenever I look at this stuff, I go, Ah, well, you know, this is like all human relationships, this is all things about the needs, that the fact that we need close human connection, whether that's from our partners in our loves of lives, or whether that's from our best friends, or very close friends, we all need that. And you know, in all of the things I teach you here for your romantic relationships can totally be applied to your friendships and your best friendships. And really, that's what I talked about this weekend. And that was just so fun. But one of the stats that came up, that actually really surprised me. And I know I've talked about how the who and the CDC have put out information about how there's like, you know, a global pandemic of loneliness and social isolation. And it's like, I know this, and I know, that's why our social health is so important. And that's why I love spreading the word to all of you guys, I'm really getting, you know, that idea out there that let's put in some energy and some effort into our connections with our other humans around us. You know, it still surprised me when I read the stat that only 24% of adults in North America, were able to find social connection. Okay, were able to find human connection when they needed it. Wow, wow, only 24% Because if we've slipped that number, right, that means that 70% that are steps are the 76% Come on, because the math 76% of people cannot find companionship, can't find human connection when they want it. Now, this is extra crazy. Because that's like the definition of loneliness. Right. And not just the definition of loneliness, but out of that 76% At least a third of that. Like even if we were going to assume that everyone in that 24% Maybe is has a romantic partner. And that's why they can find it whenever they want. I mean, that's actually silhouette, because there's definitely going to be singles and whatever into that. 24%. So let's think about 76% that has quite a bit of people in it quite like I would say a third to a half of people who are probably in a committed relationship, right? who probably have a love of life, a romantic partner, a significant other, whatever you want to call that person, and they still feel lonely, they still can't find human connection when they want it. And isn't that one of the benefits of having a love of life is that you have a go to person you have it's kind of like a twofer and you know me and my love of two two for ones that's like it's like a built in go to person for human connection and companionship for when you want it that should actually help us avoid a lot of instances of loneliness if we have a person that we are you know committed and connected to for our like social peace so the Why aren't our partners then our go to people for human connection? Right we know that as we age companionship becomes so much more important to our to our relationships with our significant others, right that companionship peace that someone to grow old with that actually shows that you know people who are able to be their partners friend or their one of their partners, best friends, they actually tend to have more lasting relationships. And those add relationships that bring them more happiness, health well being right that they have higher rates of a life satisfaction or they have higher life satisfaction ratings, and quality of life ratings than people who are not friends with their significant other So we know it's important to be friends with our significant other, if it's actually such a benefit to be putting energy into our romantic relationship, if not just to have a go to person. Okay, that is there and that we can rely on, right for our social health. That seems really important to me. So one of the reasons I was thinking might be because a little bit what we talked about on last week's episode, if you haven't checked it out, do go check it out, it's kind of on having hidden annoyance or anger towards your partner, that's actually dampening your whole relationship. Okay. So if that's what's going on, then I can understand why your partner wouldn't not be your go to person, right? Because if you have that underline, you know, hidden anger and annoyance. They're not the person you want to hang out with. They're not they dampens the fact that you want to talk to them, right, you don't want to celebrate their little things, you don't want to celebrate their big things, you don't want to connect with them in a meaningful way. And so if that's going on, whether you're on either side of that the person who is holding the anger or the person who's experiencing, being with someone who's holding anger and annoyance towards them, right, that no one's having a good time. No one's being a go to person for anyone, or, or it's like we're saying, we're being a go to person, but we're not able to carry out those actions that would support that. Okay, so maybe that's one of the reasons that's stopping us from having our love of life also be our best friend. But we might also be just a little resistant to labeling our partners that was just kind of crazy to me. Because if we think about it, what are our best friends in our life, they're the people that we have lots of positive emotions for, they're the people that we can be freely 100% vulnerable with. And we know that we are safe, we there the people that we know are going to view us in the kindest way and give us the benefit of the doubt. We know that there are people who are very consistent in our life, that whenever we reach out, they reached back towards us. And I know sometimes, you know, like foreigner or spicy people who sometimes have, you know, a little bit of difficulty with maintaining those back and forth connections. The other you know, fun piece with that is that even if you're neuro spacey, and sometimes you're like, I texted you back in my head, which I actually do all the time to people. I like see the text, walk into the car, think about what I'm gonna say, to get the canister the chrome and drive away. And then the next morning, I got oh my gosh, I only did that in my head. I didn't put it out into the real world. But I'm able to be open and honest and vulnerable with my friends and be like, Oh, my gosh, I texted you back in my head. And they know I'm not lying. And that this is a thing about crystal and we can all be flexible with each other and open and they know I'm still reaching back because when I do text back, they're like, Ah, right. Crystal is here for me. Right? Okay, so But if we think of that reaching out and texting back that consistency in a relationship, you know, then that just makes me think of the Gottman study that they did. I believe they put they put a bunch of couples in an apartment, a laboratory, but it was designed to be an apartment, I think they did this in Seattle, Washington. And they put couples in this apartment for the weekend. And then they recorded everything they did. And they got them to just do normal things, you know, like, relax in this department, cook some meals together, read a book, whatever they would regularly do just sitting at home for the weekend. And what they found was a one was the main predictor of lasting relationships was the couples that responded to each other's bids. Now would have been worse as I put communication out there. Right. I

Crystal Clark: 00:08:39

sent a message out, and did you receive it and reply, okay, that's what a bid is. So that can look like oh, you know, like one person goes, Hey, look, it started to rain. And the other person goes, Oh, it is raining or Oh, I didn't think it was supposed to rain today. Or oh, huh. Well, that's no good anything, they could say anything. Okay, anything as long as they said something that was the main important point did you respond and the people who naturally responded, okay, or, or, you know, thought it was polite to respond, didn't just like ignore and go on about their day, and the other person just feels like they're talking into empty air. Those couples were most likely to, to not get divorced. I think that's what they were looking at was divorce rate, or the divorce rate. Okay, so to me, all of these things sound like you know, great things that you would want your love of life to do or be for you, right to be to be consistent to be the person you're 100% freely vulnerable with. And if that scares, you should go back and talk to my talk. Go back and listen, don't talk to him. I'll talk to if you want to listen to my episode. On vulnerability, I think it's called like forget Valentine's Day or, or something like that. It came out in February just around Valentine's Day, and I was encouraging people to think about one durability and how important it is to our romantic relationships. But really, again, as we all know, this is all just human relationships are also important to our best friendship to being able to be vulnerable with those people. Anywho go back and listen to if you haven't, it's super important idea. But yet there culturally seems to be a stigma around labeling our partner as our best friend. Like there's a worry that if I say my partner is the best, my best friend that I've melted into one little partner blob with them, and I have lost my identity. Now, this is really interesting to me. Because Do we ever sit around and worry that if we like too many things our best friend likes, if we wear a matching t shirt, if we order the same food at a restaurant, if we laugh at the same time, if I do those things with my best friend, am I ever worried that I'm becoming my best friend? Am I ever worried that people won't be able to tell me my best friend apart? Am I ever worried that people are gonna accuse me and my best friend of just always thinking the same thing? No, I'm actually probably excited when people think maybe my best friend thinks the same thing. I'm like, Oh, we do. We're so alike. So we give up without art, we have no worries about being exactly like our best pet. I don't think there's many people that do. Especially people who, you know, are feeling who are really comfortable in that best friend energy and, you know, being open with companionship. I really don't think anyone's scared of being too much like their best friend. Okay, but we are for whatever reason, to scare, we are scared about becoming our partner. But we it's like, it's weird, because it's like, well, that's the person we fall in love with. That's the person who I like, oh, pushes me like in this, it sounds really cheesy, but pushes me to be that better person. It's like, oh, okay, you know what? Like, the right, we think about those things. And why don't? Why don't we? Why don't we want to label them that? Why is it okay, now one of the things that goes on with our brain. And this is the reason why we do so many things like our best friend, if we've had this best friend for a long, long time, we have a really long relationship with this person, we might reach for our drinks at the same time, we might end up accidentally or coincidentally ordering the same thing on the menu, we might show up wearing the same color clothes and not have even talked about it. Okay, and that's because our little human brains are have mirror neurons. And they're programmed to link up and think up with people and imitate people in order to build social bond and connection because we're a little, our human, little mammal selves, love, human connections, love bonding with each other, love having support with each other, right? Those mirror neurons are there to program as to be like, oh, I want to hunt and gather and protect with you. Right, that's what they're there for, hey, I'll gather for you, you hunt for me. Perfect, we'll offer each other's protection. That's what they're there for are mirror neurons are there to bond us together. And to get us to act as a team and to sync up with each other. So we're totally comfortable with this with our best friends and not so comfortable with this with our partners. It's okay, that's what's supposed to happen. That's what our brains are programmed to do. If you start reaching for your drink at the same time. As your love of life, don't freak out. That is normal. And that does not mean you are losing yourself. Right? You're we're not afraid to have a million things in common with our our best friends or our friends or like to do you know the same thing that they do. But yet we have this fear that like if I like to do the same 100 things that my like my partner likes to do, then I have lost myself, well, why can't Why? Why would if that is yourself. Now I agree. If you've been in situations where you're like, oh, I have adopted 100 new activities, and I think I like them. But really, if I was vulnerable and truthful with myself, I don't that's a different situation. Okay, that's some different work that we need to do. And again, then, then maybe you are losing yourself. But if you go into a relationship and you're truthful with yourself, and you're like, Oh, I didn't know I liked watching sports because I haven't hung out with anyone who likes to watch sports. But now that I have, I actually do think it's okay, like that's the other thing that we we is that we kind of get lost in is don't forget that when we hang out in a group, which means you're not just alone by yourself, okay? So if with if you're with your partner, you're in a group, if you're with your friends, you're in a group, if you're with 10 people, you're in a group, okay? That when we make group decisions, and when we hang out together, it doesn't mean that we're always doing our most awesome thing. If I think watching whatever some sort of sporting thing or watching a type of movie genre, but like horror movies, I don't actually horror morphism I have to be over flexible but there's certain kinds of movies Oh, post apocalypse. It didn't really serve us. I sometimes like them, and they sometimes drive me crazy. But my boyfriend does really like them. I would say to him, they're good to great for me, they're like, okay, but I can still right there, even though they're not my awesome, they're probably also not his awesome, but we watch a lot of movies, and we're gonna have to go through some movies together. And even though it's just okay to be, that doesn't mean I'm having a bad time. Right, a lot of life is just okay. And I can do that and feel like, Yeah, I did an okay thing. Cool. That's what we do not like that. It's not everything we do all day, every day is awesome to us. Okay, so let's not be scared to lose ourself. Or let let our partner into our best friend zone. That's really important. Let's let our partner into our best friend zone. You know, and maybe the reason why also, actually, now that I think about it, maybe another reason is that we friendzone too many people, right? So maybe, maybe if there's some of you who've just gotten out of the dating process, or have been in the dating process for a while, you know, there's that kind of that thing out there that we culturally do right now, which is if we've gone on a few dates, and it doesn't work out, then we tell the person, we can still be friends because like, we want to let them down easy, or something like that. But that that clouds that title, a friend, I didn't like you enough to date you, you're probably going to be the 20th or 30th person I call if I'm bored and want to go out and have no one to go out with you're going to be that far down on the list. I actually might stop before I even text you on my list if I stop and texture but let's then I have not put you in the friend zone. I put you in the where are they now zone and why are we just telling people we can they can be our friend? No people have to, like I don't want to say earn our friendship, but we need to have repeated experiences and grow with that person to call them our friend. So actually, let's stop doing that. I will just add that into day to challenge everyone spread the word stop friend zoning people or stop telling people you they can still be your friend when they can't actually be your friend. That doesn't actually help anyone. We're probably overusing the label, friend. Let's keep it sacred. Let's use it for just the people who are our friends. Okay, that's a bonus idea that we can all do. All of our social social relationships, not just a romantic one. Okay, so we're gonna make our friends on a bit more sacred. This is actually really important. Let's make our friend zone more sacred, and not let everyone in. And then let's let the love of our life in to our best friend zone. Oh, I love it. Yes, let let the love of our life into our best friend zone. Let's let them be a go to person to hang out with doesn't mean they have to be in there. And and some people like to, you know that little that separation time is really important for some couples to have to keep that create that tension and have that create tension and have things to share about when they come back together. Right? But let's have them as a go to you shouldn't have to be lonely you shouldn't. Right. Okay, let's have them be able to be the person that we're most vulnerable with just like our best friends. Perfect.

Crystal Clark: 00:18:02

Let's let them build shared memories and experiences with us and try new things and learn new things with us. Great. Let's freely offer support, and let's feel totally comfortable asking each other for support. Right? Having a love of your life with you should feel like companionship is always there. It should feel like companionship is always readily available. That's what it should feel like so my challenge is for us to have a little priority check and check on whether you're giving your partner best friend energy whether ret if you're treating them as wonderfully as you treat your best friends. Okay and are you letting them be your go to Atlas have little check in and about that. And if you're not sure if you're confused you can always always cut get in contact with me DM me right find me on Instagram at sparked forever or on Tik Tok at sparked underscore forever or you know through my website, Spark forever.com Get a hold of me. Let's work together. Let's get your partner to be your best friend because that will keep you sparked