Change Your Relationship, Not Your Spouse | LQ054

Crystal Clark: 00:00:01

Welcome to our love space today. So first off, I just really want to check in about how everyone's Spring Fling challenge is going. So I know we talked about it close to the first day of spring, so that's all the way back in March, and we're almost halfway through spring now. We might even be halfway through. I don't really calculate the days, but we have gone the end of March and all of April, and now we have all most of May and June. So maybe we're not quite halfway, but we are getting there. And I just wanted to check in, because I wanted to know how it was going. I would love to hear from you guys. So do DM me on either Instagram or Tiktok at sparked forever, or feel free to send me an email too. I love to read emails from you guys. They're always helpful whenever you have questions or things that you're wondering about. So please do and that's crystal at sparked forever.com. Feel free to reach out, because I want to know, you know, did, did you try anything new together and were surprised that was super fun or that it sucked? Right? Like none of these answers have to be perfect, I would just love to know what you tried out, how it went for you, what you'll do again, what you'll never do again, because that's really how we all learn and grow from each other, and that's how we make a love space here for everyone at sparked forever to really learn about our relationships and ourselves and how we're going to move through this world together as little humans, right? So did you turn Did you, oh, did you try something low key and it turned into a great, mega moment of love for you? Or did you try? Oh, even one of my like, kind of wacky relationship building activities, right? Like, did you do some breath work together? Or, did you do, you know, some mirror Unison work together? Or values cards, sorting and find out some things about each other, some brainstorm, some whatever, sing along together. I'm not sure, but whenever you try do let me know. I'm so interested in everyone's experience with these as always, today, we're going to dive in to the difference between wanting to change your spouse your love of life, and actually, if you're wanting to change them, then they're probably not your love of life. So I'll share that. I'll be very direct and bum with that right from the start, versus wanting to have growth and tweaks to your relationship. So I think sometimes in social media, at least, because I'm on the relationship side of Tiktok and Instagram, often because of what I do for work here. But you know, I can often get into this dichotomy of, you know, people on these social media platforms are, they're like, You can't change a person, just accept how they are. And that very much to me, with in a lot of times where we're just getting snippets of these messages, it really sounds like whatever relationship you're in. Now, if it's not good, then there's no making it better. Okay, unless things are going horrible, but if it's not good, there's no making it better. Versus it is possible to tweak and grow relationship right, wanting to keep your relationship growing and functional, and making tweaks and improvements along the way for your marriage or your relationship, that helps you go through different phases and seasons in your life. Well, that is awesome. That is amazing. That is exactly the place where you want to be at, because that's how we learn to grow together. Instead of a part where you don't want to be is in a place where you're having lots of if only thoughts, right? So if only they didn't do this as much. If only they did this more, if only blah, blah, blah. Because when we're stuck in those kind of if only thoughts, we're really stuck in a daydream about a relationship that we're not living in. We're stuck in a daydream about a potential or a future relationship that you want to be in if your spouse just made all of these changes, then you would be in a good place. And that is not in a good place to be, because it should not be up to one person in a relationship to have to make all the tweaks and changes for everything to be okay. That might mean they're not your love of life. So how do we figure out whether we're really wanting to change our spouse or our partner, or whether we're actually wanting to tweak and change our relationship. So we'll dive into a few things here today. So things that you can't change about your love of life, you can't change their past, right? Everyone has baggage, but as pretty much, as soon as you get to dating age, right? You have had life experiences, right? Even if your parents let you date at like 13 or 14, you've had life experiences. Up till 13 or 14, you've got you've started to go through puberty, right? You may have some baggage already, depending on what your social experiences and interactions have been like during your life. Life and right? And no one is perfect, but, but these experiences, this baggage that makes the person that you're with who they are right? Your experiences and your baggage make you who you are right now, at this moment, and sure, therapy can help you heal from some of those experiences and some of that baggage, it can help you let go. It can help you process. But your spouse, your partner, has to be the catalyst for whatever, you know, therapy that they need to do to put themselves in a more functional, healthy place, if that is indeed what they need, and we're not just, you know, saying that they don't fit to our vision of what they should be. If they actually need some healing, some processing, some ability to let go, some ability to bring in new skills. If this is all things that they need, they need to be the catalyst for that change. They have to want that change. They have to want the healing. They have to want the processing. They have to want the letting go. They have to want to be growing into a more full, functional human being. They have to want it. It is really, truly impossible to do good therapeutic work for yourself on behalf of another person, right? You can't give yourself good therapy for someone else. You have to be the catalyst for it. And if you're not, then nothing is going to change. You're really just going to therapy to vent and talk about yourself. You're not going to get that healing and that growth if you don't really think you actually need to be there and you don't actually want to be there, the next thing you can't really change about your partner is their personality traits. And I always find this interesting, because when you met them, they have the same personality they have now. But what were you thinking? Maybe you were thinking that you could change some of these, right, if they're too loud, if they're too energetic, if they're too quiet, they're too lazy. And, you know, these are all subjective adjectives, but, or, yeah, adjectives, but, you know, if you thought you were going to change some of these personality traits that are just inherently in them from the start, or maybe they're just starting to become more annoying or more frustrating, because maybe we're not in the honeymoon phase, and so now they're becoming more realistic to us and and, or we're realizing that they're not going away. Whichever it is, you can't change these things. Okay? You can't change their personality traits. One thing like, because I could be over, you know, a little bit loud or over exuberant, and my love of life for sure, I can change small behaviors, like if I am yelling at him when I'm right beside him, because I am very excited to tell him this story. If I'm like yelling at him, then obviously not, right? Or, then for sure he can say, Whoa, dude. He doesn't usually say dude to me, it goes like, Whoa, you're being a little loud, right? Or, whoa, I'm right here. You're yelling in my ear. And that is for sure, a behavior that in that moment I can tone down and I can change. I've just gotten accidentally over excited. Thank you for making me aware of it, and I can change that. But if I was like, I'm over excited to be at this concert. I'm over excited to be, you know, on our plane ride to our, you know, wonderful trip that we've been planning for a long time. I'm over excited for, you know, all the people who are having coming over for dinner tonight, and I want to put on music, and I want to dance around in the kitchen. Well, I prep everything. If he thought that over exuberance and that loudness was not a good fit or was annoying, then it would not work out between us. He had to find that endearing, engaging, adorable, whatever or just normal. You're just like, hey, that's just crystal and that's cool, right? Some of these behaviors, when they are your love of life, you will find them endearing, adorable, engaging, something that only your special person has and that you love about them. And some of them might be a little bit more temperate, but you really do have to realize you cannot

Crystal Clark: 00:09:12

change that person. The other thing is core values. We've talked about values a lot here, but you know, really your values you can't change. You can discover that you have new ones that maybe you didn't know of, and that's why we do values work with couples, so that they can really be clear and focused and be like, Oh, actually, we do have values that are in common despite these other ones that aren't. And so we can come into alignment from those, and now that we know each other's core values, we can also do better perspective taking on that. So that's fantastic, but if you you know fully disagree with their values, or none of their values are important to you, you have no overlapping values, then that's not something you can change, and there will be a lot of hiccups. And that's really because our values are really a part of our like that often our identity, but they're like an inherent part of our. Internal, like, kind of reinforcement and punishment systems, right? So if, like, for example, if we if justice is an important core value to us, right? And then we will find things that, you know, where we get to uphold justice. We're going to find those inherently reinforcing and things that do not, experiences that do not hold up a sense of justice. So we're not we're going to find inherently punishing and won't want to be involved in so we can see that that is not something that we can change about someone, and that will affect our everyday experiences and interactions with that person. Another piece that is unchangeable in people is really your sexual orientation, as we know, and that includes, like, you know, your big, main preferences for physical, you know, touch, both sexual and non sexual, and your fetishes and your kinks, or your whatever, if you got them, right, it includes all of those things. And sometimes you can, you know, be good giving a game and open minded to certain new, you know, sexual experiences, and that can open up new doors for you, but if it's not really you to the core, that it will be hard for there to be consistent, continuous, overlapping for that for years and years and years and resentment or unfulfilled needs can come out of that. Okay, right? Because you can't just make someone like it just out of repetition. Okay, so what are the situations we get into that we can change and again we can't change. I'm not encouraging anyone to change their spouse. Throughout this podcast, we're sort of figuring out what's a want of wanting to change your spouse versus what is a want of wanting to grow and tweak and create a relationship in a love space that is more fulfilling, more delightful, more joyful, all of the things you want more of, right? Okay, so expectations. We all have expectations. That's kind of the idea of designing and, or brainstorming and, or talking about the love space that you want, because that's really like talking about the relationship you want. We all have expectations, and I think I've done a whole episode on aligning our expectations or adjusting our expectations in our love space in our relationship, but if you have visions of a perfect partner, so a set of expectations that you are coaching your spouse on and your spouse towards so that they can fulfill this vision of what they should be as a perfect partner, because you are obviously already being a perfect partner, then you are really trying to change a partner. That's pretty straightforward, but we don't always realize we're doing it. Versus the idea is, if you have and not have necessarily expectations, but thoughts about your love, space, your relationship, your behaviors with each other, okay, if you're having those kind of thoughts, for example, I would like us to fight more fairly. Or I would like us to be able to talk about our hiccups without it turning into a fight or argument, right? I like us to be able to discuss our miscommunications in a calm, cool way, in a fair way, in a way that is fighting for understanding about perspective, rather than fighting to be wrong or right right, or I would like to figure out how to have more affection between us. These are all a marriage tweak. They're not about changing your spouse, because notice when I list those examples. They're about behaviors and interactions between the two of you. So both of you are involved in that, and the expectations are about how you guys interact together, how you guys talk to each other. They're all about things that involve both of you, rather than one person having to change or tweak their behaviors and what they're doing, right? So maybe you're having some miscommunications, because you feel the person is talking to in a disrespectful way, and that puts up your defenses and things like that. But that's not like, oh, just tell that person to stop talking to me in a disrespectful way, and then everything will be okay. Snap. If we're doing that, then we're really just trying to change our spouse. So we have to shift our mindset to be like, hey, when that person talks to me in that way, it makes me feel defensive. How are we going to change this dynamic? Okay, and it's and that's what we're wanting to do, is we're wanting to change the dynamic of how we interact, and not just the one person fix what they're doing. Both people have to come together if you are parenting your partner instead of partnering with them, then you may be trying to change your spouse. So if you have a strong belief that your partner is incapable of being an equal in the relationship, and that you need to make up for this. Um. And provide guidance for this until they can finally get enough guidance from you to fulfill their adult duties in life. Okay, then you are really wanting to change that person, because I can tell you that they probably maybe they need some life skills for sure, okay, but if we're parenting instead of partnering, we're actually probably feeding into a dysfunctional dynamic that is going to just lead to enabling someone not to rise to the occasion and to learn some adulting skills and some life skills, because I know we don't all walk into adulthood with all the skills we need, and that's fine, but it's never going to change if you are, if you have made yourself into the role of the parent, or if you feel you're being parented, vice versa. It works. You know, both ways, if you feel like there is unbalanced effort, right? So versus if you feel like there is unbalanced effort in your love space or your relationship, or you don't understand why it seems like compromises are not working or not helping you both to feel fulfilled, okay, then these things can be tweaked. You can learn more about how to live in an 8080 marriage so that things feel more balanced to you, right? You can learn to improve your communication skills or your perspective, taking skills with each other, or your teamwork abilities to make compromises and improve your relationship effort or energy, so that there's more flow to your relationship and your love space, and so that all of these things, these compromises, these communication pieces, whatever it's going to help towards the balance and the compromising and the teamwork in your relationship, those are all skills that we can build on and we can work towards 100% what I cannot do is, or what we cannot do is, we can't make another person adult. If they don't want an adult, we cannot make another person live up to our standard if that's not the standard that they want to live life by. If that doesn't fit their core values and their expectations of how they want to live in a love space, then we're really just asking them to change themselves. And this is why these kind of things feel so uncomfortable when you're the person who feels like you're always tugging the other person along. It's because there's a misalignment of what you both picture the love space to be, and it's almost like a tug of war between two love spaces, and which one someone is going to take one for the team to live in, right? So are you going to take one for the team and live in that love space, or are they going to take one for the team and live in your love space. And this is why it's so important to be open and honest with each other and to communicate about these things, because sometimes, for a lot of us in successful relationships, it happens accidentally, or it happens accidentally for a certain amount of time that we're on the same page, that we're living in the same love space. And then one day, you know, we come to season of life where there's some changes, there's some hiccups. We have kids, we lose jobs, we get harder jobs, we get easier jobs. COVID happens. Parents pass away, family demands. Change, whatever these different seasons are in your life, then we can start to become unaligned. And if we don't know what our core values are, if we don't know what personality traits we love about the person, if we don't know that we have alignment in our sexual orientation with each other, which those are the three things you know that we talked earlier about, their unchangeable then we're going to be in a continuous tug of war forever trying to change the other person, and that's not fair to either person in the relationship. The last one we're going to chat about today

Crystal Clark: 00:19:08

is if you have a belief that it's a them and not me, then you are trying to change your spouse. Because if you have a belief that it's that everything would be fine if your partner could do things one through five okay, and all of these things are outside of your control, and then you're trying to change your spouse because you're not having any accountability in that situation. And that's not how a relationship works. That's not how teamwork works. You have two human beings coming together, and both are accountable and responsible for their own actions and behaviors and for the dynamic of the relationship and either feeding into a healthy plenty. To full functional dynamic and or feeding into a toxic, dysfunctional, lacking dynamic in the relationship. And again, these things can happen by accident, either way, but when we come together and we talk about them, and we dive into them, and we explore them, and we open it up, and we figure out what our foundation is, needs to be we figure out what our big picture pieces are and what details work for your love space and your personality types and your core values to fill them in with. That's where we're going to see success, because you and your spouse, you don't live in a vacuum, right? You don't live in a vacuum. You live and out relationship, and it is your interactions with that other person, it's your interactions with each other that really create these behavior patterns. And so you have to have accountability and responsibility for the actions that you take in those behavior patterns, versus the idea, if you believe that you both need to do something in order to make this relationship more successful, in order to solve the relationship hiccups that are happening, if you have a belief that you are both need to have accountability In this situation, and both need to tweak and change things, then you are in a place to change your relationship, to have your relationship grow, and that is fantastic, and that's the place you want to be. But you have to believe that there is things for both of you to do, and maybe both of you to do with equal weight or equal energy, right? Not like now I have one thing to change that person has 10, because then we're still not a team, right? If, if there's 11 things that need to be changed about this relationship, whether one person has 10 and one person has one, there's 11 things that need to be changed together as the perspective that we want to have. And I understand if you are a people pleaser, right? I understand or you're someone that has been doing all of the changing, maybe, maybe you're the person who's been doing all of the changing to fit into that other person's love space, into that other person's vision or version of what you should be right then, unfortunately, that's on you. And I have been there, trust me, I have. I have been there. I have been the person to do not just the parenting in a relationship, because I didn't even really know I was doing but I was trying to be like, doing all the support, doing all the support. Support, doing all the enabling, doing all the parenting, doing all of the things to keep this relationship afloat and functional. And then, you know, and then coming back after, you know, at my first relationship, coming back and being like, hey, after, you know these 1012, 1314, years. Hey, can you actually it's probably more like 13 or 14 years to come back and be like, Hey, I've done all of this for you for the last 13 years. People pleaser crystal has done all this for you for the last 13 years. Hey, so could you do this one thing for me? Could you did these two things for me, and not even about changing your personality, just like adding a new behavior to your day once in a while, could you do that for me? And the answer was always no, and it was, you know, and I laugh at it now. I laugh at it now a little bit. And you know me, I love to laugh at things because I love, I sometimes just relax, laugh at the ridiculousness and the absurdity of the situation. There's a laugh at, like, you know, how, how did I ever think that was normal, right? But I did, and, but the good thing is, is I did, and that allowed me to, you know, to get coaching, to get counseling, to really step back and self reflect and take perspective on what I want and what I need in a relationship, and that all of that has allowed me to be the person again I am today, my baggage and my past experiences and all of those things have allowed me to be the person I am today, which allows me to be with The partner and the love of life that I have now. And I, you know, had I met this person, wonderful person first, what if I had done all the same things? Probably I would have. Now I understand more about why that previous dynamic, where I equally fent into the behaviors that made it unsuccessful as much as the other person did. Why it didn't succeed, right? Why does this narcissistic type person not want to do the work so that we can live happily ever after? And they didn't, and that's fine, and it does. It sucks to find that out, but it's better to find that out and then to do the things that you need to move. Forward, because if we are trying to change our spouse, it's never going to work. If we want to tweak and grow and change our relationship dynamic, that is what's going to work. And in my original case, you can see, just from that brief description, that that person, if I'm asking for one small thing, that person didn't want to change. We, you know, we did do the marriage counseling thing, but they didn't want to change or tweak the relationship or be in a love space that was any different, and that's why that relationship could no longer work, because I did need a different love space in order to be functional, and that person was happy with the love space that I had crafted for them that was 100% all about them and fit all of their needs. And so that can no longer work. So your relationship, it doesn't have to be perfect, and no relationship is perfect, right? And no person is perfect. We are two people coming together to human together, and if you want the growth and fulfilling this of your relationship or of your love space. You have to remember it is a team effort. It's a team effort about the behaviors and the interactions around your joint expectations with each other, your joint core values in your relationship. It's about it's around your behaviors and your interactions of your shared affection with each other, and that's what a marriage in a relationship is. It's thinking about our behaviors and our interactions around our joint expectations, our shared values, our shared affection for each other, and those are the things that can be tweaked, right our behaviors and our interactions. Those are the things that can be tweaked. Those are the things that can be changed. Those are the things that can grow with all of your phases of life and of love. And those are the things that are going to keep you sparked.