Get Centered Part 2 | LQ019

Crystal Clark: 00:00:01

Welcome to our love space today. This is part two of our get centered podcast. So if you haven't listened to part one, please go back and do because some of this will not make sense. And the other bonus of listening to part one verse is that you get to do a little self exploration on your own personal center, before you dive into this next piece of thinking about how we are all personally centered and how that interacts with the love of our life and how they're personally centered and how that interacts with us, and how we can grow great relationships. So I'll just do a teeny tiny recap, because I know you've maybe you've just listened to the last one. So we started exploring the ideas that people can have a center, so something that's kind of seemed in, like an innate priority to them in life. And we, you know, that could be something that we learned growing up and didn't even realize or something we're modeling after our parents. Or maybe we're, we're doing something the opposite of what our parents centers where, you know, there's a whole mix of reasons why you can have the center that you have. But here we go. So the was, and the reason this came up for me is that I was working with a couple. And we kind of started to discover as we peeled away the layers and explored their miscommunications, which is one of the reasons I find it so exciting to work with couples together as one entity, because definitely your relationship is this entity that both of your energies and both of your personalities. And both of your all of the things that make you up come together, and when they come together, they actually make their whole new thing, that's when no relationship we have is really ever the same. Once we get beyond a certain point, it really is different. And we can make different patterns and different notes just so exciting. So sorry. Sorry, get off track. Okay, so back to this, when couples working with so we're peeling the layers away from this miscommunication. And what we found is that it wasn't just perspective taking that was holding them up. So the the way I will differentiate perspective taking for this particular set of podcasts is or a set of episodes is that our perspective is more of our in the moment piece, or its are in the moment piece of how we are viewing that particular situation. So how my day has been, if I'm reviewing with you with a kind for lens, probably some of my beliefs and my learning history and my patterns and things like that. But our perspective is more, you know, maybe that in the moment time, so like we were talking to each other. And uh, you know, I've had a bad day. So I'm a bit prickly. You know, maybe we already had a misunderstanding yesterday, maybe we disagree on a parenting issue or, you know, a relationship issue. And now the way I've heard your words, the way I've heard your message, right, the way I've received your message is, is at one place, and you meant it to be at another place. And then when I hear your experience of the situation, your perspective, you know that you had a great day, and you thought that we had resolved the parenting or the relationship issue from last night. And actually, you were looking at me with a kindful lens. And you were really excited to send this message to me. I can see how your intention or the way you sent it was now intended. And that may be you know, how somewhere in the middle is where our communication actually is. Right? So that's more of that perspective, that kind of more situational in the moment how we are seeing a situation play out, or, yeah, a conversation or message sending and receiving playing out. What we discovered for this couple and peeling away the layers is that we want more than just a perspective taking at difficulty or a stretch or place that we needed to grow, we actually needed to go a little bit deeper. And that's when we discovered that it was actually their centers that were playing tug of war with each other at their centers that were different and influencing their day to day lives. And they didn't realize it. There's influencing their communications and their priorities and where they're putting their energy right. So you know, in our cake model, the E for cake at the end is for energy because we need to put energy into our relationship and we need to prioritize the things that our energies are that we're going to give our energy to. Right because their energy is not infinite. We have to make sure we balance out those things that gain our energy and drain our energy. And we often in today's day and age, we do have to prioritize where our, our personal energy goes. So let me run down a list, just so we remember what all of the centers are. So you can be spouse centered, that means that your spouse is the kind of the center of your life in that your, all of your decision making in your prioritizing is influenced by your connection with your spouse, and putting them as a priority, you can be money centered, so that would be the same thing that you you're all of your choices, and your decisions, and you're in the moment decisions, those are all influenced by the importance of money to you. You can be work centered, you can be pleasure centered, family centered, friends centered, self centered, which sounds worse than it is, but that is, I guess, a person or not, I guess that is a, that is a person who is, you know, they're all their influences are prioritized by their selves, being the most important factor, okay. And then we can also have religions and centered and possession centered. So this couple, when we were working through things and talking through different scenarios and trying to figure out their centers, we figured out that one person was very family centered, and one person was very work centered. And so that meant that the person who was family centered, was constantly feeling that they were playing, you know, second priority, right, that they were second rate to the love of their life's work and job. And on the other side, the love of their life was feeling that they were always their spouse's second choice or second priority when it came after family. So both of them were feeling that they were de prioritized in each other's life. But the interesting thing is, is neither of them knew that they were actually choosing family, or work over their spouse or over other things in their life, they didn't realize how much work and family was influencing their day to day choices, what they were really willing to go ahead with, to beg for forgiveness later. I don't know if you guys are familiar with that thing, right. But the lots of times, we say that, like, oh, we'll just, you know, do this thing now and then beg for forgiveness later. Now, when

Crystal Clark: 00:07:35

things are a top priority. So for example, in our center, we tend to do that more often for them. So how that might look for this couple is, you know, if one of them gets a call, you know, to stay late for work, or, you know, they're having a really worked packed week, their boss just keeps, you know, being like, Oh, we're doing this thing this week. And we're adding this and I'll need you to stay late on this day, and you know, is just adding things, okay. And that means that that person is not going to have the energy to really do anything after work this week, they're not going to be able to go to the gym with their significant other, they're maybe not going to go out for drinks and dinner, like they might on a Wednesday night with their significant other and some friends. Maybe once Friday comes around, they don't feel that going out or they don't feel like going to a family gathering. They don't feel like going to their spouses family gathering, because they've put in so much time with work this week, and they're exhausted. Okay, so that person is making that decision to take on all those hours, and then their brain and their center and their innate little cells. They're thinking, Well, of course, of course, if my boss asked me to take on all these hours, even though if I will be too exhausted and not have enough energy for for my husband, for my family, you know, that person is thinking that this is a natural or just like a natural thing to do. They are not thinking like oh my gosh, being a workaholic, or they're like no, my job is surely the most important thing here. And of course, if I need to work late, then I need to work late and we're just going to have to make adjustments for this week. Now, that may be true once in a while. But if we're making those adjustments every week because our work center is influencing our every day, every week, every month, our short term and our long term choices, then our spouse is going to start to feel it after a while they are going to start to see the pattern that Work comes first and pouring all of our energy into work. Whether it means we make any time for the spouse you know is not relevant, okay? But the other person you know whose family centered they are also Oh, you know, he is also making a few of these oopss here, right? Because whenever a family thing comes up first whenever family member needs them, whenever there's a family get together or celebration or a party, these are prioritized, right? That person will say yes, immediately before asking his spouse, because he thinks, of course, it's natural. My family is so family is so important. Who else wouldn't just say yes, if someone needs help, you know, with a flat tire, if someone needs groceries picked up or someone needs us to someone needs, of course, I'm going to drop everything in, say yes, and not even check in. And then because I have such a good time with my family, you know, maybe once I dropped off groceries, then now I'm hanging out there, and have I forgotten to tell you, right? Or I just assume you will want to come along that you will join in, right? Because for both these people, those decisions that they're making seemed natural to them, there's so innate to hold that thing, that they're not even seeing that it's a priority choice. Okay. So that's why one of the first steps, you know, and having this, this change in really getting to this bottom layer of communication, where this couple had their aha moments, was one of them was like, Oh, my gosh, not everyone thinks like this. Well, everyone does think like that, but to their own center. Right, I am thinking I often, you know, cuz I am spouse centered. How could you tell? Because I'm spouse centered, you know, I am the person where that, you know, looking to that other person, and which choice is best for us together? And what's going to benefit us is always my go to, and I always think, oh my gosh, so of course, of course you would do whatever the love of your life wants to do? Or of course, you would check in with them before you made plans. And you know, we're both probably pretty spouse centered. So we both have this, you know, we lucked out with that, that we have this overlapping sense of like, of course, this is just natural, but it's not. We just lucked out that we have the same center. Right. And other couples don't love that with that actually, most couples don't have the same center. So this couples aha moment came with just realizing that not everyone thinks that this thing is the most important thing. And that actually, it's okay for each of us to think different things are innately important. Ah, aha, was such an aha moment. Now, the second part of realizing that, you know, it was something is a natural way to think, but that it was okay, that they didn't have the same centers. That was totally an aha moment. The other aha moment, was figuring out a leg was realizing what the other person said to us. And then it kind of all made sense. It all made sense, right? So the you spend too much time, you know, like, at work, or you never asked me about whether I'm okay to go these family gatherings, all of those issues, all of those miscommunications or all of what we what many people think our perspective taking issues, or actually, like, all becomes so clear, so clear, once we understand what everyone's center is, okay, so that was really the first piece. And that's the first piece for everyone. And that's why in the first, in part one of this episode of this set, I really wanted everyone to discover their own center, and then talk to it about the love of their life and have their love of their life, discover their own center, because that will just open up your eyes so much about why this person is making these choices in this decisions. They'll also bring light to why oh my gosh, I felt deep deprioritize compared to this one aspect of their life. And now that makes sense. Why? Okay, so that is step one, that discovery piece, just having those just knowing that will help you have better perspective with each other and better understanding and a better, or I guess, not better, a more an improved kindful let's write it'll also help you send and receive messages. I'll also help you with that communication piece about when you feel deprioritized right, because instead of just, you know, a lot of us get into that nagging tug of war of like, well, this is just a work thing. And now you're going you're such a workaholic and you know making it seem like the person's fault. Now you can have some clear communication, some clear messages about Ah, I understand that this is feeling natural for you to take on these hours. I understand it's feeling natural for you to Say yes to your boss. But I really need your time on Friday on your energy, probably more. So your energy on Friday, for our mega moment of love, right for our date night, for our mega moment of connection, I'm going to need your energy on Friday. So go for it take on those extra hours. But you need to think about whether there'll be enough energy. And if there's not, maybe we need to compromise or, you know, maybe you need to, you know, change some work around or things like that, right? You know, there's always, that's a very specific thing. I don't want to make anybody Prickly, out there about their work decisions and things like that. But you know, there's always creative problem solving, we can always, you know, think outside the box and massage things. But imagine that communication that's going to open up a back and forth of, you know, collaborative problem solving, rather than like, I'm not a workaholic, and you just don't, why isn't why don't you understand, right? Because now we do understand, we do understand what's centering that person what's influencing their choices? Great. Okay. But is there more than just that understanding? Are our centers changeable? Now, I would just like to note, at this point, and this is, I have put this in this section of the podcast, because I want to make sure that everyone has thought of their center, everyone was vulnerable. Everyone was open to admitting like, Ah, yes, you know, I do, I do think that's an important thing in my life. And I probably do make, I probably do, let that influence my choices. Great. Make sure you've been vulnerable. Okay, so now that we've all been vulnerable, I would like you to think about list of centers. And all of those things are pretty concrete, tangible things that we ended up cultivating in our adult life. So not just the possessions, but you know, like, what you might be thinking, like, what religions aren't really tangible and family, that's more of an idea and things like that. That's true. But they are all things that are outside of our own being, okay, except for maybe the self one. But the self one, I think, is still

Crystal Clark: 00:17:21

a little bit tangible and concrete. If we if we were to dive in deeper. So the thing with all of these things being outside of ourselves is they actually are associated with the middle level of adult development, which I will kind of turn for us just to keep it cool and easy breezy, is our kind of Keeping Up with the Joneses level, this is what we kind of most grow into in our 20s and 30s of like, hey, I need to have these things checked off, I need to get married, I need to have a baby, I need to have this kind of job. For those of you who are not maybe doing that more traditional white picket fence, kind of idea that I just did the checklist for you might have other checklists, like I need to have a career and I need to be able to buy my own apartment, and I need to be an independent person. And I need to have these things. Right. So and you're sort of comparing yourself or you're valuing your life on how many things you're checking off that list, or whether you've gotten to a certain point. And this is when people often run into the midlife crisis. Because you your midlife crisis, I often feel like I've checked these things off. So again, I'll do the traditional list because that's the easiest one for us to probably picture and envision in our head. So maybe you're like, Hey, I got the job I wanted, I got married and found the person I wanted to marry. You know, we have done some traveling. And we have now bought our house or we have settled into a place of different deep housing. It's affordable where you are now we've bought her place, check it check, check, check, check, check. We've checked those things off, and I'm in my 40s. And oh, what now what do I do with life? That's typically where that midlife crisis point starts out? Because you're starting to question like, what's the meaning of all this? I've achieved this, is there anything else to achieve as things are things even important in life anymore? Okay, so that's where you start to get some of those thoughts. Some people, some people stay in this mid level of adult development, and that's totally cool. And that's the Keeping Up with the Joneses were my identity and my self worth and my value is based on having these items and checking it off, right and me being able to be equal with the Joneses. That's what that kind of development means, right? So I got married, all my friends got married check. I'm just as good as all my friends. Perfect. I have an apartment, my friends have an apartment check. I'm just as good as my friends. Okay, and that's why I mentioned that all of that list of centers. Those are all very concrete to tangible things right? Like having a spouse or being friends centered or being possession centered. Those are all things outside of us that we are basing our identity on. Right? If your work centered person, you think you are your work, like when people go, Oh, you know, tell me about yourself, the first thing you're probably going to talk about is your job, or what you do. If your work centered, if you're, if you're family centered, or maybe parents centered, when someone goes like, Oh, what do you do, maybe you have a full time job. But you might go like, Oh, you know, I'm a mom and I have two great kids, right? That might be the first thing you go to, is talking about being a mum to new people, right? Because maybe that is what you are centered around. Okay, so all of those concrete tangible things can we do need to, we do need to go kind of through this level of development. But those, let's not forget those anything that's tangible concrete outside of us can, it is going to sound like a downer can be taken away. And when it can, when it is our identity, and our Center for self worth and self esteem and self value, and self acceptance, and all of those self things. Like when your job is your center of that or when your family is your center of that, right, or when your possessions are your center of that. And those get taken away or those get diminished. Your self acceptance and your identity and your self worth also becomes diminished. Now imagine if you're in this relationship, tug of war, and you have the center, if the other person centers when it makes you feel like your identity is being questioned, right? Like your self worth your self acceptance, your self value, right is being questioned. And if your partner's questioning it, then you will feel like you're losing your sense of self. So I know we have that be best friends episode, and I talk about like, don't be scared. And losing yourself. I think this is when people start to feel that they could possibly lose themselves. So this is again, if you were one of those self centered people. So those people who identify as being very independent, and being able to, you know, and choosing yourself over other things, when you're asked to do this collaborative work, and maybe choose your spouse, or your work or your friends or your spouse's family, over a choice for yourself, that that can question your identity. Well, that comes together doesn't match, okay. So that's why it's important to know what your center is. But it's important to realize that centers are changeable. And when we start to get to this next level of adult development, which is more that we see ourselves as an innate human being, and our center actually changes from becoming a tangible thing to becoming more value centered. When we become more value centered, that's when we start to have better patterns of communication, right, we start to be able to have a more kindful lens, we start to be able to not give an F about things I'm not sure if you guys are on the side of you know, social media, where you have people who are hitting midlife, and they're starting to talk about like, I couldn't give enough about anything. And what they really mean by that is, you know, they used to have all these concerns about how the outside world saw them, right? What should I wear for fashion? Which car should I drive? Do I have enough money? Did I pick the right spouse? All of these questions, and when you get to more of that midlife point to that next level of adult development, you start to realize that those things outside yourself Are not you, your job is not you, your spouse is not you, all of these things are not you and your center starts to become more related to your values. So I love to do values work with couples, because it really starts to help them see even if they're still kind of, you know, in in this middle stage, it helps them to see the importance of how they can be more aligned, right where those values overlap. And that helps them to start to think about changing their center to think about when I'm making a decision about whether to stay late at work or not. Or whether to you know, choose to do my one weekend, my summer mini Break trip with my spouse or with the love of my life rather than like a girls trip or a boy's trip. Okay, why am I making that choice? And when we can Start to center ourselves around a certain set of values to three, you know, probably five is that the most, we can probably think about out at any one time, then it doesn't matter what's outside of ourselves. Because we can always hold those values. And I bet that there's a lot of couples that even though maybe they have different centers, they probably have more overlapping values than they realize, and starting to pause in their, in their personal choice making, and think about, hey, I don't need to make this decision based on, you know, me, my identity be wrapped up in my work, and that if I'm not at this particular job, or I'm not doing this particular amazing work, then I'm nothing. No, I can actually take one of my current values. Okay, so here's my three values, and does it align with those, okay, and that's going to help you see and that's going to help you send more consistent and open communications back and forth with each other, because you're actually thinking about the things that are important in each of those categories, right? So if you have, if one of your values is maybe honesty, right, or integrity, right, so that's a integrity is a great value, because integrity means that your actions and your words line up together, okay? Or your your actions and your intentions and your words all line up. And you follow through you carry through with the things that you're intending to do. You have integrity. Okay. So, if integrity is both of your values, then you could have a totally different conversation about staying late at work. Right? Or, versus, you know, will you have enough energy for your Mega moment of love on Friday night when you get there? Right? And that can be an integrity conversation, rather than do you want to spend time with me? Or do you want to spend more time at work? Or do what do you want to use up all your energy on? Right? If

Crystal Clark: 00:27:13

you're thinking okay, well, you know, I told you that we would have or I, you know, we organized together and I told you that I was committed to having this mega moment of love on Friday. Okay, but I've also told my boss, right that I'm going to do this action, okay, how can I realign these two actions so that maybe both can be done? Maybe we, you know, maybe that opens up more a conversation to your spouse of like, Hey, I understand that you feel that you have to fulfill this work commitment, to keep up your integrity, right to hold that value close to you. And so maybe for you know, flexibility sake for this time, we can move our mega moment of connection to Saturday, or we can have our mega moment of connection earlier in the week. Or we will let our boss know when they ask us next week for any overtime or any extra hours, that we'll be saying no, that we have prior commitments. And we'll be setting that boundary, right? Because we're all we all make mistakes. And as I always say, Nobody is perfect. So there will be times where like, Oops, I x, I've accidentally overloaded myself cool. But how can we have an open and honest conversation about it? Right? How can we send and receive messages with the most kind for lands, and that will be readjusting our centers. So first thinking about and realizing what your center is, then the next step is talking to each other, right? sending and receiving messages about what each other center is and comparing them and thinking about them. And then the next piece when you are ready, as a couple is to start doing some values work, what is important to us as more value or a principle that we want to live out as a couple in our daily lives, rather than just this one or two categories out of all of these categories. Because you know, that list I read. Third there, all of those things are important to creating a wonderful life, right? And some people might be like, possession, money, right? Now we need all of those pieces, right? We need all of those pieces to be balanced, wonderful people. We need all of those pieces in our relationship, right? But how to find that balance and how to find that foundation. And so by thinking about your joint values together, okay, that's going to make your foundation that's going to create that Next step, for both of you to grow together, not just in your relationship but to grow together in that next step of adult development to think, wow, we are both our own person together. No one can eat up our question our identities are wet, you know, our innate sense of being is, we have now created a relationship that has its own complex, innate sense of being and that we are growing together and what values what principles are we going to pick out and strive for together, collaborate on together, think of together hold dear in our centers to gather to grow and create a relationship? Those foundational values will keep you sparked