Hello Hiccups | LQ042

Crystal Clark: 00:00:00

Welcome to our love space. Today I am, again, as always, excited for you to come on in and join me for a little chat, a little exploration. So a question was posed to me the other day, which is, what do you do when there's negative energy in your relationship, as in the way I like to think about that, it's kind of maybe both people are being a little prickly, or one person's being Prickly, and then the other person is being Prickly, and it's kind of like a prickle exchange. There's a general kind of air of prickliness, but the relationship is actually healthy and typically not Prickly, okay? Because the negativity or the prickliness is actually coming from an outside source, not from your partner. And what can you do when this happens? So I thought this is a great question. It was actually from my love of life, because this is something we have run into just in the past few weeks. So I thought I would share now. The basic piece of this would be that you want to do a little health check, right? So kind of like, what would be the outside factors that could be affecting you, right? If you guys are kind of just in a prickly space, and you're sort of like, oh, like, what's going on? We should be getting along. We talk to each other. We're vulnerable with each other. We've been, you know, putting in our physical affection. We have our values in alignment. We have all of these things going right, typically. And just the past week or two, or whatever, you know, we've been getting in all these little, as we call them, in my love space, bickers, all these little bickerings, right, which you know doesn't set, doesn't, you know it's going to happen, is bound to happen. But also you want to, you know, explore that, because we don't want it to also keep happening. As we know in the relationship research, out of a few places, out of the gottmans in Washington state, that we need about five good interactions. Good, slash, okay, slash, great interactions for every kind of one prickle interaction we have, and that's going to make things feel balanced in your relationship. If that's sort of the ratio, you're going to feel like this relationship is generally happy or fulfilling or, you know, in a good place. So it's when we have that ratio off track that we start to feel that things are a bit off okay? And that's probably what was happening with me in my LOL, is that typically, we probably have a larger ratio than that. We probably have many, many positive interactions with each other before we hit one of the prickles. But it's just been lately that there's probably been a bit more prickle. So what you want to do is you want to figure out what these outside factors could be. So is it work stress? Are you both having some work stress? Is one of you having work stress? And now sometimes work stress can be a little sneaky, and it can hide in the idea, you know, that I just live in a stressful job, and we're just going to have to put up with it. So you know, if that if that's you, you may need to do some other work on that piece. But you know, as a family, stress is there anything going out that's not typical that we're having to move through? Because there are going to be seasons in life where things are sticky or prickly or outside our control, and we have to make the best of it. And if you're in one of those seasons, than just being able to recognize that and pinpoint that and be like, ah, we have some ups and downs to go through. Is actually going to make the ups and downs maybe not, not as bad, but it's going to make them play up more smoothly. And is going to be able to make it so that you guys can each support each other more smoothly through this season. And you also want to make sure if there's any medical things going on, so that could be like, you know, does anyone have a medical underlining thing that we're actually not really thinking about that could be affecting someone's mood or someone's perspective? And I know for me, hormones right now are definitely that thing, so I always have to sort of consider in the back of my mind, is this a hormone thing? Is this a true feeling? And I hate to label it as that, as whether it's a true feeling, because all of our feelings are true feelings. But sometimes, when you're having, you know, your hormones are a bit out of whack, you know, you might say things are, do things that are not typically you at least that's what I have. And I'm like, oh, like, I know I shouldn't be saying this or doing this, or like, I know I don't want to, but it's just coming out, you know, thing, like a teenage girl again, okay, so that so you want to see if any of those are happening, because if they are, you can identify them, and then you're really able to be more understanding, right? We talked a few episodes ago about what we want our vision for kindfulness To be, or how we're going to add more kindfulness to our love space. And, you know, being able to understand like I know in in my dynamic, you know, my partner, being able to understand that maybe I'm having some hormone ups and downs, and maybe not all of the things that I say that are prickly are a ruler true. Are a real or true expression of what I think is going on in our relationship dynamic, but are more just like, you know, I am ramped up and escalated already, right? My mood is already there to be in a bad mood, or is already there to be whatever, and so that he is then able to be more empathetic and more supportive, knowing that, right? And he's able to approach me maybe a slightly different way. So that is one piece of the puzzle. Now, of course, we want to make sure, too, that our self care is covered in those cases, and, you know, just in general. And by self care, obviously here, we never mean bubble bath. So that's like, are we getting movement? Are we having food that's energizing us, right? We getting all our fibers and all those things. Are we having social time that's bringing us joy and delight? How is our sleep? Because we all, I mean, all sleep for us is always different for everyone. But are you getting the sleep that you need to feel, that you are able to process things and and just to deal with life, right? Cuz that can be a big stop up for a lot of people. Um, are we participating in fun or joyful things? So besides the social time, do we? Are we also able to, you know, have some time and watch the shows we want, or read the books we want? Or, you know, not just having a movement at the gym, but if we love to go for a hike, are we getting to go for a hike that's going to bring us some joy and delight, or are we getting time to indulge in our hobbies, all of those kind of things, and then also the physical affection piece? Because we know that's like so important to our little human bodies and all of our little hormones. So those, I mean, are all the basic things, and those are just life things. So if you're going through some humps and bump stream life, always check in with those self care pieces and what you can do for those so this time on the little story I'm going to share with you for today is the way. So we checked in about all of those things as we were processing this prayerliness And where negativity came for us in our relationship dynamic from the outside actually came in the form of Hello Fresh.

Crystal Clark: 00:07:04

So I'm actually not sure if Hello Fresh is all over the country or all over the world, but and this is no disc to them. So hello fresh, if you are listening, this is no disc to you. It just was not working out for us. And so I will explain. So hello fresh is a not a grocery delivery company, but I guess, like a meal prep delivery company. So you get to order and pick your little meals for the week, and they deliver, like lovely little bags of pre prepped meal stuff for you. And then you just open up your bag, it has all the ingredients for that recipe, and you just get to cooking. And it is true there. The recipes are quick and usually tasty, and it takes about 30 to 40 minutes, and then you have, like, a homemade meal. And you know, and again, if you're like me, and you like to cook together with a person, but just never seems there's any time or any planning, or any things like that, then, you know, I recommend Hello Fresh. But for us, it wasn't, or we didn't know that this is where the negativity was coming from at first. But as I've shared on here before, we often cook meals together whenever we can, and so that's even during the week, when we're in a rush. And I'll often be like, Hey, you're cooking the meat thing, right? So the chicken breast, the whatever, the fish, the whatever we're having, and I'll be doing the salad or the sides, or the whatever we're going to put with it. And that's kind of our dynamic, and that gives us a chance to interact with each other, you know, gives us a chance to chat while we're cooking, catch up with anything, all of those kind of things. And it's just like a nice teamwork thing to do that kind of bridges us into the evening together and into relaxing together. Now the thing that was happening with the Hello Fresh piece is it is or with the, you know, meal prep piece is that these things all come pre planned, and they come from a recipe. And typically, when me and my love of life are cooking together, we're not using a recipe. And so what happened then is, it just seemed easier for one of us to do it. So then I was like, Well, I've picked it out. And I actually have, you know, pretty light work this week. So, or I've, I've been checking off my to do's because I haven't been running around grocery shopping with the thoughts that were in my brain. So I'm like, Do you know what? No problem, I will cook all of our prepare, our pre planned, prepared meals that have arrived. And so what was happening is, is we were actually sort of missing out on a few things. Is we were missing out on that joint time together. So I didn't know that actually, underneath that, like I was, I was enjoying the process of having these prepared meals. But what I wasn't really actually enjoying was the fact that I was now alone in the kitchen doing it myself. Okay? I was not enjoying that. And it started out like the first week maybe that I was doing it. It started out that maybe I wasn't totally alone in the kitchen. Because my love of life would come in, and he would tidy up some of the dishes and some of the things, and unload the dishwasher, and, you know, do some pieces like that, and then he would pop out of the kitchen. So I was still getting some time with him before dinner. But then what happened is, like the next week, that wasn't happening at all, because maybe I had gotten home a bit later from work and he had already done that piece, and then I just came home and started cooking from the paper bag of ingredients, and so we were missing out on that piece, and we hadn't even realized how important that was to our dynamic. Was that kind of little time to interact during the day. And actually, we probably didn't realize the importance of even chatting during the day of thinking about what we're going to make for dinner, and having that teamwork collaboration. So we were like missing out on a teamwork collaboration that we actually enjoyed, missing out on some quality time, that even though some days it's fresh or stressful or things like that, that we were actually enjoying more than this dynamic, more than the ease of this dynamic. And so what happened after about two ish weeks

Unknown: 00:11:01

of delivery, it went from becoming

Crystal Clark: 00:11:05

a discuss, a discussion of whether we should keep going with this, this meal prep, or whether we should just stop and this, I want to say when this discussion came up and it ended up becoming a fight, an argument, for sure, that it was maybe a little bit, you know, because our values are aligned on this, we both agreed, if it's easier, if it's helpful, if it's whatever, that's great. So our values aligned on this, but we were probably each stuck in our own idea of why this did not seem functional, or why it was not working for us. And so maybe we were also having, you know, I did identify that maybe my hormones are, can, you know, sometimes be playing a part in things lightly. So that could be a piece. And we were probably having a hormone versus ADHD discussion is probably really what was happening, and we didn't really realize it at the time, because it ended up that our that our argument, or our discussion or whatnot, ended up going a little bit, I don't, I want, don't want to say wrong, but I'll say wrong, you know, ended up going a little bit awry, because typically when we have a discussion, you know, we do have all of the tools, all of the tools I recommend and suggest. But again, life is not 100% perfect, and you are going to run into going to run into hiccups. And so what went wrong with our argument is that there was actually a thing under the thing. So when you first get into coach training and things like that, that one of the things that we are taught is that typically, when people are stuck, when there's miscommunications, when things like that, that are coming up is that there's usually a thing under the thing. It is not just, you know, we're in an argument about, hello, fresh, and that's the argument that's going to last. No, it's typically that there's a thing under the thing. And so once we took a pause and we came back to it okay, so that was the process, is we really did first in order for us to fight collaboratively. Because normally, that's what happens. And we weren't really, you know, we were kind of, it felt to my partner, he reported back to me after, when we were calmed down, that he felt I was just talking on the same point over and over and over again. Okay, I felt I was adding new information, but prop but that's me. I'm very highly detailed. Actually, in more of my personal life, I'm very highly detailed. And he's actually more of a big picture thinker. He's actually my inspiration for where I got a lot of my big, big picture thinking from for people who are a little bit neuro spicy, because for him, he's like, Okay, I've got this big idea, or I've got this big picture piece. And I feel we've covered that. And so now we get to move on. And I'm like, okay, but there's 20 other things in that big picture, and I would like to move through each of them, and, you know, maybe do PowerPoint presentation. You get my drift, right? So some of us are more wordy, some of us are less wordy. And that dynamic can be, you know, is it's just necessarily a girl, boy thing. It's like you can have that whoever in the relationship, right? So to fight collaboratively, we did have to pause this time. We don't always have to pause, because we have really, you know, quite mastered our collaborative miscommunications and discussions and collaborative fights. But this time, we actually did have to pause and sort of agree that we were going to disagree for the moment and come back and I've, oh, I actually can't remember if I told you, but the discussion was because I've kind of jumped ahead here. This is the discussion was, his point of view was the delivery isn't working, and we should just cancel it and not get it anymore. And what I heard here because I had had to, like, I do feel like we we didn't realize we were missing out on those. Connection times, but I was feeling two weeks of very low stress, and so in my brain, I attributed this all to not my work schedule or not to me doing a better job of checking things off my to do list, or any other factors, but just to the factor that we were getting this delivery program. So what I actually heard in that moment when he said, I think we should just cancel this is, I think we should just take away your peace of mind, right? You really have to think about that when you're having these discussions. Is like, That's what I heard. So he wasn't saying that. And, you know, and he's also making great counter offers of, you know, I can do more of the grocery shopping if we need to do, maybe some meal prep on other days, if we, you know, whatever else we need to do. If he's like, if I need to do more of the cooking just by myself, he's like, I don't like to use the recipes and I don't really like to use their ingredients. And that was more his ADHD brain side being like, Hey, I feel trapped, right? Because his brain was actually trying to tell me, Hey, getting these things delivered is making me feel trapped. I feel like I have limited choice on the meals, even though, for most people, they're probably great, but for his brain, he was feeling he was, you know, stuck into limited choices. Then he was stuck into not going out and exploring in the store and shopping, because he actually does like to shop for food. So he was stuck into not being going able to go out and explore. And he's stuck into using their recipes and their cooking methods and their and all of those things. So he was feeling very caged in like, you know, kind of like we think of, you know, maybe kids at at school with ADHD, where they get a worksheet, or they have too much structure during the day, and they feel trapped, right? So he was actually feeling trapped by this. So when I said, No, I want to keep going with this. He's like hearing, no, you're going to be trapped here for longer. So I'm hearing you're taking away my peace and serenity. He's hearing I want to keep you trapped here forever. And we had to stop and pause, because neither of our brains at this point in time could get past that dynamic. That dynamic was too important to each of us, and we could not move past that. So we did have to pause and agree to disagree for the rest of the evening and then try to do something where we were able to, again, share affection. So we're not like, Ah, we're going to agree to disagree. And now I'm not paying attention to you, and now I'm I'm, you know, not talking to and I'm going upstairs. It's like, No, we're going to agree to disagree. We're going to try to take a deep breath. Maybe we're not feeling as lovey dovey and perky with each other as we normally would, but we are feeling, you know, we're feeling okay or meh. Maybe we're feeling meh, right? Because I hate we, both of us hate sitting in, you know, an argument and agree to disagree moment, but we were like, Okay, so where are we going to watch? Like, let's put a show on. Let's have a snuggle on the couch. Because we're not really angry at each other, right? We're just feeling blah and maybe prickly because we can't come to an agreement, and we can't come to a resolution at this point. And that's fine to sit in those feelings. Those are normal, typical feelings to have in that situation. So we can still come together, because it's not like that situations meaning we don't love each other, just because we're agreeing to disagree for this moment in time doesn't mean we've fallen out of love, doesn't mean we hate each other, doesn't even mean we're building a moment of resentment. No, we're pausing

Crystal Clark: 00:18:20

maybe later, maybe an hour from now, maybe tomorrow morning, both of our our brains will feel a little less sticky. So that's what we did. We paused, and that should and that if you feel you guys are getting stuck in a cycle and you can't really talk about it, or or you do feel like everyone just feels they're repeating themselves, and no one understands me, no one's listening to me, and I don't feel heard. That's when you need to pause, okay? So definitely pause, walk away. Some people might need a moment to walk away and calm down and whatnot, but whatever you need to do to pause, to kind of bring yourself back to Okay, or even meh, so that you can have some more positive interaction that that's usually beneficial, right? Cuz then the next morning, the the next moment that you can discuss it, you will have a better understanding. So that was actually the second thing to do, is we had to really figure out and understand clearly what each other's perspectives were, right? What was the thing under the thing? So the thing is not necessarily like, you know that that actual Hello, fresh piece is just like that was not working for our relationship dynamic and in our home. But when we presented, you know, our ideas for, for or against, you know, this meal prep delivery program, we were actually hearing different things from the other person, right? We were hearing that you're going to take away my peace of mind, and you're going to make me, you know, stay here trapped, right? So we had to be clear on that, and we had to really, you know, boil that down to be like, Okay, this is what's going on, because that's going to help us move past that, because I don't want him to feel trapped. And once I was able to figure out, like, Oh, this is what you don't like about this process. It. You don't feel you can participate, because it does, just doesn't work for your style of brain and your thinking. And maybe if it was once a week, or, you know, once a month or whatever, he could probably be flexible and go with me on it. But because we're getting like, three or four a week, it was like every night, he was feeling trapped, and that was too much for him, and that was actually creating an underlined prickly feeling, right? And for me, I was like getting my underlined negative prickly energy from being alone in the kitchen, where normally it's a joint group activity, right? So that's where things were coming out of alignment for us that we had to understand with each other. That's where things were coming out of alignment for us, and that's where we had to understand with each other. So the next thing we had to do is we had to see if there was any other fight under the fight, because sometimes that can happen, right? So in this case, when we were first discussing, before we could disengage and agree to disagree. And actually another brain difference popped up and came to mind, and that difference was the fact that and I sort of hinted at this before, but when my partner is processing our fights, he is often like I said that big picture idea. So he says it one way. He probably says it once, and then that's it. I probably say it one way, and then he responds. I go, okay. And then what about if we look at it from this light? I go, Okay, what about if I add this piece of information, okay, but to hit so I think every time I'm adding my idea or something to explain how I'm feeling, or something to support why I think we should keep going with the grocery delivery or whatnot, he feels I'm actually saying the same thing over and over and over again. And that's fair enough. And this was actually because we don't often get into these bigger fights where we have to take a pause and maybe come back to it. The next morning, what we hadn't really realized about our relationship dynamic and is that, you know, my brain needs to get out so many words and so many ideas, and his brain does not. And so once he starts to feel overwhelmed by my too many words and ideas, then he just wants the conversation or the miscommunication or the disagreement to be done, and he wants to walk away. And what we figured out the next day, once we were kind of talking about our plan and what we're going to do, is that we figured out that actually one of the pieces that we were getting stuck on is he wanted to be done the fight, and I felt like I I was not done my 550 word essay on on all my points of view. And so what we had to come up with was a plan for that piece too. So it's got it kind of like we had two fights going on here, which is very interesting. And that happens for a lot of couples I work with, just had not happened in our dynamic yet. So always great to get to experience it, because that gives me even more empathy and insight for the work I do with everyone. So what we discovered is not only how to solve the meal delivery piece and what we were going to do for that compromise, but the next part is that we actually had to decide if we have a big disagreement like this again, and I feel I need to use my million and one words, and you feel that you've heard too many words already, and you need to stop. What are we going to do? And so we decided, because I feel, and if you're a verbal processor, you probably feel this as well of us verbal processors. It's like the verbalness all the words is actually helping us process our feelings. And by the time we've used up all our words, then our feelings feel settled. Other people can walk away and have thoughts or just time and whatnot, and just recognition and labeling, and that helps them process their feelings. So for my verbal processing, we have the compromise we've come up with is that when he prompts me that he is feeling overwhelmed and and, or IE I need this argument to be done, then I will be kindful and I will pause in the discussion and the MIS in the disagreement, as long as we are able to come back to it when he feels that he's ready, so that I can complete my verbal processing, and I can also feel complete in the process and in the discussion. And so that's the plan we came up with. That plan may work for some of you out there, but the big picture idea here is how to fight collaboratively, and the fact that we have a few steps going on, right? We need to be able to pause if that's needed. We need to be able to figure out and clearly understand what each other's perspective is and really understand it. We need. Be able to see if there's any other underlying things, whether it's hormones or the way our brain works, or work stress, or anything else that's going on to really help us understand these big disagreements. And then we need to see if there's anything for the fight under the fight. Is there a thing under the thing that you need to think about, or, you know, explore that is actually the real issue in the miscommunication, and not just like the surface issue that actually came up. So that's the next thing. And then the last thing is that when you are calm, you need to come back and see what ideas you have for next time. So IE a plan. What's your plan going to be? So, you know, I said that. You know, our plan for next time? First of all, we like solve the HelloFresh piece, right? That's done. Then our plan for next time is that I need that extra processing time, but it will be at a time where there's not so much overwhelm or too many words, right? So there's compromise each way I have to pause and wait for my words. But he has to be able, he has to be willing to come back and hear the words at a reasonable time. So that's the plan. You also need to have a plan. Otherwise these hiccups will keep coming back, and they'll keep getting bigger, and there'll be like that brick in the wall that keeps getting built up that we've talked about before. Having a plan actually flows into the letting go piece. So if you have a plan, right, and you have something to do for next time, and you're being an open minded and kindful that sometimes you have a plan, don't forget this, that sometimes you have a plan doesn't always work perfectly. It may need tweaks and whatnot if you've not used it before, but at least being able to have something where you know that's going to be your go to next time you've both agreed to you've both collaborated on it, that's going to help let go of this situation, this argument, this miscommunication, and stop you from turning it into a laundry list. Because when we have the laundry list of arguments or disagreements or things that someone always does or never does. Those are the pieces that build up resentment in a relationship, and then the last piece, last last piece is that you, besides having that plan and be and starting the process of, you know, flowing into the let goness, is that you need to have those positive social interactions. You need to hug it out. You need to have a cuddle, you need to have a laugh together. You need to get that five to one ratio going where you're able to have some of those positive interactions to build up that positive momentum again in your love space. So it's really the importance of creating we can see from this that the importance of creating a love space that has a that's full, that's full that you are putting energy into, creates a place that's going to have this kind of resiliency, that when hiccups come up, right when miscommunications and fights come up, that you are able to come back and do these problem solving pieces and do These proactive pieces that are going to keep your relationship sparked.