Making Expectations Great Again Part 1 | LQ021

Crystal Clark: 00:00:00

Welcome to our love space today. Not to sound too basic, but from where I'm recording it at the beginning of September, and today, when I was driving around, I noticed that special little smell that's in the air that I love at that, you know, this kind of back to school time, which is sort of that warm, you know, is, is actually warm day here for September, but it's like that warm leaf smell. So leaves haven't fallen yet, but you can tell that they're getting ready. I don't know there's, there's that different smell in the air, which is, I just love it. I know it's so cliche with, like, all the pumpkin spice, you know, propaganda that's out there, and all of us girls just running out and chunky knit sweaters and drinking lattes and pumpkin patches. But I really do, um, love fall, and that just kind of got my brain to start to think of like, well, I actually also really like spring, I guess those two cusp kind of changing seasons. And as I was driving along, I was thinking, what, why do I love spring and fall? Because, you know, spring also has that, like, lovely little like warmth coming back into the air, and you can tell, like, the chills coming out a little bit less in the mornings and in the evenings. And, you know, just those, like little hints of things I just, you know, they really like, catch, catch my attention. And, you know, you can see the little green coming back and the flowers starting to come back. And, you know, why do I enjoy these seasons so much more than summer winter? I'm like, you know, summer winter, it's not like, I dislike them. They're fine. But, you know, it kind of struck me today, maybe it's the expectation part. And this got my brain just like, revved up about the idea of expectation. So I just had to jump on here and, you know, touch base with you guys about it. So I was kind of thinking like, maybe our love for spring and fall, right? Or, you know, the kind of trending sort of fall thing that we're all into right now. Maybe our love for these cuspy seasons is because there's no expectations. They're kind of a mixed weather bag. They could go well or they could go poorly. And if we happen to be able to pop out for a fantastic day of sunshine or great weather, or whatever it may be, then it's like something to be thankful and grateful for, and something we're excited to do. And if it's all just like rain and gross, then we're excited to snuggle in Frank. We're excited to be in that zone. And so maybe if that summer and winter has too many expectations, we expect them to go a certain way, right? Winter is cold and chilly and full of lovely winter activities, where, hopefully, I mean, where I where I live, where very seasonal and so, you know, we're always hoping for some snow to fill up the ski mountains. And in the summer, we're always hoping for great days so we can be down on the beach and relaxing. And so if we're not, you know, then we just get all this disappointment from our that expectation not being met Anywho. So this is the road my brain started to go down and start to think about, you know, our expectations in relationship, right? And they can actually really make or break a relationship depending on what our expectations are. And so this is a big reason, and I think this is also a big reason why the first year of marriage, you know, can really be hard for a lot of couples. And it's not just the like, oh, we just had so much. I mean, it's partly that we just had so much excitement, and we got to celebrate our love. And we focused on that. Some people focus on on it for, you know, a few months of planning, and some people focus it on the on it for a few years of planning, and then the big day happens. And then, huh, we don't have a focus for our relationship anymore, right? So that's one of the reasons why the first year of marriage is hard, and some of the reasons why we can pick up bad habits in that first year of marriage is because there's no more focus on just our love. Now we're supposed to settle into this every day, and so then that takes all of the focus off of our relationship. No, that's silly and crazy and bananas, but that's what we end up doing anyways. So back to this idea of also expectations, right? Lots of people, when we get married or when we when we decide we're committing to this relationship fully, then that change in mindset can come with expectations. Now, sometimes some people's expectations are there going to be big changes once we get married, then this is going to happen. This is going to happen. This is going to happen. And, you know, over here, I'm a big picture thinker, so if you are the kind of person who's like, I don't give out wife privileges or wife duties at girlfriend prices. You know, that's not my train of thought, but go for it, no problem. But that means then when you make that commitment, when you have that that line of commitment, then those expectations are going to change, and perhaps not just the expectations of what you're giving out, but also the expectations about what your partner, you know is doing and being like, right? And some of us have expectations, like, oh, when we get married or when we make this commitment, that's just so we can lock in more of the same of what we're getting right now, right? So those are kind of the two extremes, like, we want nothing to change. We want everything to change. And then there's, you know, everything else that happens in between those two points that we can have all of these expectations about how this line of commitment is going to change our relationship or not change it, right, how much energy we're going to have, how much cash flow we're going to have, how much sex we're going to have, how many children we're going to Have, right? We have all of these expectations, like marriage andor committed relationship, is going to be the best summer ever. And maybe it is, and maybe it was also, it could also just be all heat domes and atmospheric rivers, right? We, you know, that's something that we don't really think about is we think, ah, you know, we're going into this, and this is how we think it's going to be. And then, yeah, it could be all heat domes and atmospheric rivers, which, if we have, you know, prepared, if we've invested in an air conditioner, you know, then maybe we're ready for our heat domes. Maybe we have some rain gear and we're ready for some atmospheric rivers, and so some are still going to be fun, okay? Maybe even good, because we invested in those tools, we invested in that air conditioner, and that's what we're thinking about today, right? Is those why? That's why we're here, and this is why I love our love space. I love our time together. Because every week we get to think of these big picture ideas. We get to think of these tools, right? Of these air conditioners and rain boots that we need for our relationships, right? Because our relationships are going to go through all of the seasons. Our relationships are going to go through all of the weather. And so we come here to this love space, and we are getting ready for it all right? It's not, it's not all going to be perfect, but we have everything that you need here to get you through all the seasons. Ooh, which actually reminds me, if you are listening to this kind of roughly, when I'm recording then. And I mean, even if I'm not recording, you can always check in. But I'm going to be opening up some spots in my beyond the big day coaching sessions with couples. So if you want to spot, keep an eye out for that, because that will be really exciting. You know, with wrapping up all the wedding season and season and even just wrapping up summer, and everyone's getting kind of back into their regular routines and swings of things, you know that beyond the big day, those sessions are so great. And even if your big day hasn't come, it gives you all of these tools, right? It gives you all of this prep for when it does come, and then you're already, like, amazingly set All right, so as we know, as we just thought about, expectations can be dangerous, because they can lead us to thinking that our partner is not doing or is not being the ideal partner that we committed to. And those are the thoughts, those are the thoughts that lead us to be disappointed. Those are the thoughts that you know, if it happens enough times, are the thoughts that often lead to resentment, right? Because we all know our thoughts lead to our feelings, right? You know, because we have this imaginary check box that we haven't told anyone about, perhaps, and we're expecting our partner to check it off 100% every every time, 10 out of 10. And you know, that's just not realistic. Okay, so how do we avoid this imaginary check box of doom? Okay? So there are a few things, and these are going to be simple things, and

Crystal Clark: 00:09:23

you are going to be so surprised at how simple they are. Okay, so one of these simple things that we're going to do, and actually, trust me that these are going to work, because sometimes, as silly humans, our brains will do two things, right? When I give you a simple idea, your brain will either think it's too simple to work, and so there's no use of trying. The other thing our brains do is that when we try a simple thing and it does work, we want to return to baseline. We want to return to our old behaviors and patterns, even when we might say out loud, we haven't just thought this thought, but. You might even say out loud, like, wow, this is working really well for us, and it's so easy to slide back in. So I want you to try these things a few times, okay, and, and to recalibrate them a few times, and and look back on them. Okay, so, right, we're so silly that we do that. So the first thing we're going to do is we're going to be avoiding two words when we talk about our relationships and when we talk about our expectations, okay, and those two words are always and never. Now I can't remember exactly what episode it is or episodes I always talk about these always and never, because there's nothing in life that is 100% right. We all make mistakes. We all do things differently. Life comes up, things are going to change. There are very few absolutes in this world, so there's no reason why we should be making our expectations or our words into absolutes either, because that just sets us up for failure. So we're going to take out the words always and never when we talk about our expectations for each other. So always, you know, often gets a hold of the people who are very optimistic thinkers, right? And so there can often go into relationships thinking, Oh, well, we're always going to have sex every morning, right? We're always going to make time to go out with our friends. We're always going to make time for our girls weekend or boys weekend. We're always going to solve our problems before we go to sleep. We're always blah, blah, blah, whatever the always is okay. And so that sets us up for disappointment, because we all know we can't keep up those things with everyday life happening, okay? The other part, the other than never part, right, is very similar and often causes disappointment, right? And saying those are, like, we'll never fight, we'll never disagree. Well, like, my person never makes a mistake, my person will never forget my birthday. They're gonna not know what day it is sometimes of the week, right? So again, our world doesn't work in absolutes. We want to get that out of our vocabulary, right? And that comes into play too when we're when we're giving each other feedback and right? We say like you never listen, or you always do this thing that annoys me, right? And we all know that that, again, is not 100% truth. There are some instances where they listen, and there are some instances where they remember not to annoy you. It just may not be the majority, but nothing is an absolute. And when we talk in absolutes, it just puts us in a bad place to start with any kind of connection making, and, you know, intimacy and vulnerability. So let's cancel those. Now the next step is that we're going to see, we're going to see, that's right, we're going to see which each other's expectations are. Now some couples end up doing this naturally. Some couples have more Heart to Heart conversation. Some couples take, like, to take more time to just sit and watch the sunset together, or, you know, have a bit of dinner looking each other in the face, right? Not everyone loves that. And that's And again, those are the details that you get to color in here. But the big picture is that some people will more naturally exchange their expectations with each other. Those people can still do this activity. Okay, so don't think just because you can name all of the expectations you guys have talked about with each other, that this activity is not for you. So what you guys are going to do is you guys are going to take a literal piece of paper and or a literal notepad in your phone, and you're going to write down in physical form, five to 10. Let's not go more than 10. I think if we have more than 10, oh, that's a lot to live up to. That's a lot for our relationships to live up to, to start with. So let's get you know five, five to 10 expectations going. So we're going to jot down five to 10 expectations of you know what exactly what that is, what your expectations, what your relationship expectations are. And notice how I said write it down, because indeed, we are going to see these in concrete form. You can even, actually, after you write them down, maybe you guys are going to be like, hey, on your own time, write these down. I don't know. Maybe you can write them down saying in front of each other, I'm not sure. Maybe you can write them down while you're watching that wonderful sunset that I was just talking about. I don't know, but you're going to write them down so that they're physical. You can even exchange them so that the other person could read them out loud to you. That even adds another level of wonderful vulnerability and complexity. Because not only are you letting that person read it so you can't, you know, change any of the things while you're reading it, in case you decide, oh, maybe I didn't want to say this, or maybe this is a little. Too much, right? But the other piece is that you have to hear your own words. You have to hear your own expectation coming out of someone else's voice, coming out of someone else's tone and intonation. Oh, it's so wonderful, so wonderful for vulnerability and intimacy. Okay, so you guys have your lists. Again, I'm going to say, exchange them, exchange them and read them out to each other. You could go back and forth one at a time. You can read all five, and then the other person's all five, whatever you want. Okay. Oh, and when I write and when, before you actually read them to each other, what the way I want you to write them down is very important. And I will have a little PDF worksheet coming for this too. So instead of writing your expectation like we will, or whatever you're going to write, it's important to me that we, that's right. It's important to me that we. It's important to me that we communicate about our feelings every day. Maybe it's important to me that we make time for mega moments of love every week. It's important to me that we enjoy a hobby or an activity together on a regular basis. It's important to me that we value travel and try to go as often as we can. It's important to me that we okay. So I think you get the idea those are just things that are important to me. You can have whatever is important to you, right? Some people might be like, you know, it's important to me that we review our finances together, or it's important to me that we have financial transparency with each other. It's important to me that we have, you know, whatever, whatever is your jam. So that use of language is going to be great, and especially if you do the activity where I say that you switch them, right? So that you switch it and read it out. Okay? So I have another activity for you to do with these. All right, this is going to be in part two, so come join back in and for next week, and we'll get to the next part. This is what I want you to do for this week, is just make that list, have expectations, and read them out to each other. What a great, what a great, mega moment of love activity, right? So we, as we know here, that's what I call date nights, right? Is our mega moments of love. What a wonderful, mega moment of love activity that you guys can do. Think about your expectations. Do this little expectations activity, all right, give it a try to Stay Sparked.