Partnering Not Parenting | LQ015

Crystal Clark: 00:00:00

Welcome to our love space today, while we have stepped in to spring, and it is always nice, at least I find to have that seasonal change, I find it really resets me kind of makes me think about, you know, different things that are going on or different aspects of life that maybe I forgot for the other season, you know, turns our attention to kind of kind of new and different things. And, you know, it gives us time for refocus. And with having some time off for spring break with my bonus kids, you know, I probably did a little bit more scrolling than I maybe should have at some at some points. But it was interesting, because I always come across, you know, relationship videos. And you know, part of the reason why we're on here is to kind of demystify things and cut out some of that social media noise on relationships. And I came across a few interesting videos, one of them was talking about the importance of balancing out that masculine and feminine energy. And the, the interesting part is they the way this person focused it is that they thought that, you know, you needed to be able to let the man lead in the relationship. Okay, that was kind of their main thing that if you cannot let Him lead, then it's over. If you have, if you have to be hurting him all the time, then it's broken, is what this person said. And often on these platforms, we do get a lot of this really black and white, you know, these black and white takes on relationships, where things start to become very rule based, maybe almost weirdly manipulative. And, you know, not very, I guess, like holistic inorganic in that big picture thinking piece? And, like, Does anyone remember that book? From the early 2000s? It? What was it called? Oh, the game, the game. And it was like the guy dating strategy rules, and some of the things in that were just like, you know, crazy, like, ask a girl for her number, and then rip it up in front of her. And it will make her more interested. I am sure. So we're probably getting a bit of the backlash from that book and kind of that era of dating right now. So you know, but some of the some of those ideas do have merit. And, and they have merit in that they're probably the times where, you know, those rules are really being based on like a bigger, overarching, like, actually healthy idea about a relationship. So what about this idea about, you know, a bit being able to follow the man or letting him lead the whole time? Now, I'm sure well, I'm sure a lot of us out there, just you know, if we're thinking date nights are outdated, we're probably also really thinking that that concept is outdated. But what about this idea of feminine and masculine energy now, personally, you know, I sometimes get into like the hippie dippie, you know, energy stuff and more of the spiritual energy rather than, you know, like in the cake model, what we always talk about, we have that E at the end, and for that word, to always talk about energy. And usually, I tend to think of that for most people as being kind of just like lifeforce like energy to get up and do things and put a you know, effort into life is usually what I'm thinking about for that II for energy. But, you know, for me, my detail, the way I like to fill in that you personally in my relationship, is also has a little bit of that spiritual energy piece. And so if that, you know, jives with you, then 100% Add that into your conceptualization of how we use the E and in our case model. So that if we're thinking that big picture piece, you know, have that masculine and feminine energy really about really is just really getting at the idea that there's an act of energy, and a more passive energy, really like that Yang in that Yang dynamic of balancing things out. So this is nice, because it makes a balance between activity and rest. And that's even a balance we all really need in just our own internal beings, right is that balance between action and rest between pausing and doing and that balance in a relationship really also make sense if we think about balancing out a relationship dynamic like this? And, you know, this allows us to take turns in our relationships in those different energies. So it's not necessarily that one person always has to be in that active energy. And one person always in that path of some couples are much more dynamic than that, right? Some couples do have just those natural patterns, and they're kind of one person is in one dynamic and one person is in another dynamic. And that's just kind of how it goes. But sometimes you get couples that are very dynamic in their energy balances, and they will switch back and forth to that sometimes, you know, in different changes of life, or in different times of life, sometimes, you know, even throughout the day, they'll change switch back and forth. So it really depends on what your energy dynamics are. And I think it's, you know, it says there was like a 90 show called absolutely fabulous. And they always give this example in that show. And I always tell people about it, and no one ever likes, everyone always I feel feels uncomfortable after I talk about it. But what they talked about in that was that and this is actual true fact, is that that you can't house two racehorses together, because they will just kick the crap out of each other. And so but what makes but racehorses also get lonely, so you can't tell them by themselves. So you have to have a little goat or donkey friend to house with the racehorse. And then they just have a lovely time to get that kind of made me that's sort of just popped into my head that makes me think about that, like, you know, when when very active energy and one more more passive energy, right. And yeah, you know, whenever I talk to people about that no one likes to, like I said, no one wants to ever say that. They're the, the donkey, or the goat. Right. But you know, like, I think I think I'm most definitely like little go for a little donkey, I think I've got, I definitely have more of that restful, slow energy. I think I encapsulate a lot of the time. Anyhow, I digress. So that energy balance piece, I do think is important, and it can really influence your relationship, and how you go about your day. But I think the real key here is that if you have to hurt him that second thought she had, if you have to hurt him, it's broken. Okay. And I think that is a yes. I think that is a yes. So but let's change that to, rather than if you have to hurt him. If you have to hurt someone, if you have to hurt your spouse, if you have to hurt the love of your life, then, you know, we might need to rejigged things, right. And that's because if we kind of reframe it, and change it to if you have to parent, your spouse, because really, that's really what that hurting piece is, is that you are trying to parent, the love of your life, instead of partner with the love of your life. Let's think about that. Let's just repeat that, I think that's a nice thing to to repeat. We need to be able to partner with the love of our life, not parent, the love of our life, we need to partner, right, and if we are parenting instead of partnering, then our whole dynamic is going to be off. Because like if we think of our cake model, your communication is going to be off because it's going to be influenced by that dynamic. Your affection, the way you share and enjoy each other's affection is going to be off because it's going to be in that parenting dynamic. You're kind fulness and the lens you use for each other is going to be off in that dynamic. And your energy for each other is going to be off in that dynamic.

Crystal Clark: 00:09:15

Really your everything, your everything is going to be off. So we talk a lot here about you know, collaborating with your spouse, and that's when you know when I use the word partnering. That's that collaboration piece we really want to be collaborating. But if you're parenting them, then you're not coming together with the love of your life as an equal. So I've worked with a couple on this where they came to me and one of their big problems was that one person thought the other person was being very bossy or controlling. Or the you know, any of those kind of like, you know, they felt they were always getting nagged. In that they were always doing the wrong thing. And when we started to dive into some examples, you know, the examples they had, were like, they tell me how to do this thing, or they keep correcting me or if I'm like cooking this thing they step in, and they start taking over and saying, it's not right, or you know, I have to do, even if the outcome is the same for something, I have to do the process the way that they want it done, because that's apparently just the proper process, or, you know, if we're supposed to do certain errands or chores on the weekend, and I'm not feeling like it, that person is nagging me and complaining about how I'm not carrying through with this. And, you know, in a lot of those examples that the other person has just started taking over. So like that example, with the errands, or the chores or whatever, you know, not being done on the Sunday, then that that other person would just start to do them at a certain point in the day, okay. And really, all of these things, when we kind of start to explore them, really, they only they all start to come down to a lot about trust. A lot about trusting that the other person is collaborating, and is partnering, right? We all have different, you know, spaces and times in our day, and maybe, you know, maybe some people are very routine. And every Sunday, you know, three, how many standards do we have any year, not 365. We have like roughly 52 ish Sundays, probably in a year. And if you think about it, like some people are very, very routine in their life, we always have the whole spectrum of people, right? Some people are very routine. And out of those 52, Sundays, maybe 50 out of 52, we are getting all of the chores done very routinely, very regularly, you also have other people on the other end of the spectrum, where their chores, have no routine, have no set day have no whatever, and they get done when they get done. And when you know, there is energy and brain space and everything to do that. And people operate anywhere in between that as well. So again, being adults, any of those things are okay, if you do all of the same chores, every Sunday, 50 to seven days a year, that's okay, if you do a different chore, every Sunday, or you never do chores on Sunday, or whatever, also, okay, but the thing is, is in this case, that one spouse, that one partner is not trusting their other partner to to, you know, adult with them, right. And what happens and this can be, you know, start for many reasons, but somewhere along the way, that one person is not trusting that other person to be equal that other person to an adult, in a similar way to them. And slowly over time, when you start to take over and you start to bath and you start to control, more and more aspects until everything, everything, you know, the way they pour you a glass of wine, everything starts to become a nag or a comment or a something. And it's true, it's true that some people even might jump into relationships actually like this. And that could be for a, you know, a whole bunch of reasons that could be, you know, the way they were raised, if, if when they be started becoming adults, if their parents still treated them like children, then they might have a hard time. You know, that's what they've been modeled is that even when you're an adult, you're still treated like a child, okay? You know, people might have their own self esteem or self confidence issues, or the flip side of that insecurities about what adulting should look like, you know, some of it is that pressure with keeping up with the Joneses. I know the Joneses, you know, do these chores, every Sunday, 52 Sundays a year. And if I don't, I must be a lesser functioning adult, or a lesser adult or lesser human being or less, or whatever. And that is, you know, in our love space here, we know that there are many different kinds of brains, and that they operate in many different kinds of ways. And then that's just not, you know, something that is true. It's just not a truth that there is, you know, one way to adults, and one way to be the Joneses or to keep up with them, or whatever have you. So some people do jump into relationship like that. And if you're having just in this moment, if you're having an aha moment, if you're sitting there listening and going like oh my gosh, oh my gosh, this is maybe where we've slipped to in our relationship or maybe this is how I jump into Relationships, this is where I just start off, right? This is part of my beliefs of my value system, from whatever wherever it got rooted, and it got implanted, that this is just how you start relationships. And this can be with friendships too. As you know, I believe that that with those are all very similar skill sets, right? That we're just using with different people at different depths of intimacy. But if you are having that aha moment, you know, these are all things we can work on this being able to trust and this being able to step away from the parenting dynamic, that is 100%, something that is workable, and it's something that we can work on, even when you're in relationship. So I know that some people really feel that if there's anything to work on them on themselves as a human being, that they need to step away, they need to step away and be alone and work on themselves. And that, you know, I don't wholeheartedly agree with I depend, I think it depends what you're working on. For sure, I think there could be a case where one or two things 100%, that might be better for you to take a pause, and go and develop that more. But I think there's a lot of things there's a lot of growth, personal growth, development, to maturing all of that, that you can actually do with in a relationship because too, we don't mature and grow and develop and stretch ourselves and become wiser, more wonderful human beings in a vacuum. We become wonderful, more wiser human beings, in through the experiences we have through the interactions we have through the conversations we have. So let's not rob our selves have that? Right, let's have clear communication with our partners on what we are working on and what we are growing and what we can support each other. And, and if one of the things is oh my gosh, I have I never realized I was parenting you instead of partnering with you. Oh, goodness. Let's fix that up. Let's tweak that. We can we can handle that. We can do that. Okay, um, so yeah, get a hold of me to get DMS on my instagram at sparked forever. DM me on Tik Tok at sparked underscore forever. You know, let's be in touch and and let's get this tweet, let's get this growing and moving forward. So Anywho. So if we are parenting, instead of partnering, we really need to take a step back and think of that big picture idea of trust. Okay, so I'm gonna do a part two to this so that we can dive in a little bit more to maybe some beginning conversations, or some ways we might be able to, you know, start to approach this in our relationship, some of those details that we can color in, right, but I want to give you the big picture piece first in this part. So I want you to think of that big picture idea of trust. And I want you to ask yourself a few hard questions. Okay. Why aren't you trusting them to be equal? Why aren't you trusting your partner to be a partner? And to be a collaborator? Why aren't you trusting them? To be able to adult? Like you. Maybe there's a values piece that's not aligning there. And actually, I do a lot of values work with couples. It's super exciting. It's super upbeat, I love to do it. I'd love to have any of you join me do it. Oh my gosh, it's so good. And we can get you know, there's all sorts of different sets of cute cards too. If you're one of those people who likes like tarot cards, or oracle cards or whatever, there's

Crystal Clark: 00:19:07

values cards, and they are equally as fun. But the great thing about that values work is some people, some couples, you know how some couples, we just see them and we're like, oh my gosh, like they're, they just oh, they just like have it so easy, right? Those are probably couples, where their values, they may not even realize it and this is the same with the languages of love peace, that their values, they just actually naturally align and no one really had to talk about it. They just kind of lucked out. And that's the same when you lucked out where you meet someone and it happens to be that your love languages naturally match up, then you kind of lucked out, because if you're both physical affection, and you both just naturally start cuddling each other and hold each other's hands all the time. It's not it's something that you are both getting a lot out of something that's both filling your cup up a lot. Your emotional cups up a lot. I don't know why that sounds weird to my ears. But anyway, they go. And you're getting a lot out of it with out ever having to have a conversation, or to have a have a share about it, right. And that's when it seems like magical. And like, I don't know why this works so well is because things just happen to it's a coincidence that you've picked a person where those things are the same. Okay, and that could be the same with values. Sometimes we actually sometimes we don't even know our values. And we love them. They're working in our lives, they're doing things for us, they're helping us make choices and not make choices. But we might not even realize that that value we have, okay, and then we might meet someone, and maybe they don't even know that that's a value. And they happen to match a great no one ever had to have a conversation with themselves or with each other about what their values are. But all of their choices seem to align, because they have similar values. Now, if you start to run into a lot of hiccups, where you're like, oh, my gosh, if your question is like, or if your answer to this question is why do I not feel my partner can be an equal adult to me, and you start to go like, well, you know, they don't think this is important, and they don't think this is important. And you know, I see them do things this way. And then that's going to make this thing down the road, go this way, right? That that's probably have a values piece, that probably you need to do some values work and see what your own personal values are, which would both of your own personal values are, and then see which ones align and overlap. And then also the super exciting, fantastic part is when you get to see not only discovering your own values, but when you get to see your partner's valleys the love of your life valleys, and you go, Oh, wow. Oh, no, that does make so much sense. That totally makes sense now on how you know, on on why they're making these choices, or why I'm doing things over here, and they're doing things over here. And I think they're being an immature, silly adult, when really one of their, you know, very important values is having humor or having new experiences or having fun in their life, that's actually an integral part to their being and they're prospering. Oh, but an integral part to my being in my prospering is, you know, this thing over here. Okay, how are we going to meet those for each other? Okay, so if that is, so really ask yourself about why that trust, isn't there. Okay, this can actually also really pop up. Any of you new families out there any of you people who have just started having babies and children's together in your relationship, or anyone who, you know, has just taken on the lovely most wondrous gift of getting bonus children, as I have been gift lucky enough to be gifted in my life, you know, Oh, right. Why don't I trust that person to collaborate to partner with me? on child care? Why is it? If the you know, why don't I trust them on this piece? Why don't I trust their process? On the parenting piece? If the outcome is still the same? Oh, there was such good, such a good trust question. And sometimes when we become new parents, that is sometimes when the parenting when we can start parenting our partner, right? It does becoming apparent does change your view can also like it changes your perspective changes your view, maybe rearranges some priorities, it also can mate switch up some values in your life. And, you know, it could be that maybe you were aligned before, but it switched up a few things here for one person and a few different things here for another person. And now it's all switching switching that right? And we maybe need to come back together and be like, Ah, okay, that that has changed for you. And this is this has changed for me, okay, how again, are we going to collaborate and bring these back together? Because at one point, I thought you were totally a trustworthy person that I could grow my life with. Now, now, the fact that you gave, you know, our child, hot dogs for breakfast, where I'm totally against preservatives, I don't know, I'm doing a really, you know, a really silly, you know, trite example here, but, you know, now all of a sudden, I feel like we just don't understand each other at all. Okay, so. So, you know, thinking about that, that trust piece. Why aren't I letting them be that equal person? Why aren't I letting them collaborate? Why aren't I finding value? Or I guess comfort In their processes. Okay. And actually, do you know what? Let's switch up this question. I'm going to make this question even harder for you guys this big picture thinking question, okay. Let's forget about the why part why often? And if you were starting to feel defensive when I when I was asking these questions, why actually can make people feel defensive? So I'm gonna switch it to a work question. Okay, lower your defenses a little bit? What does parenting your partner give you behaviorally speaking, like if I go back to my, you know, my roots as a behavior analyst, that if there was something punishing about parenting, it would decrease we would stop doing it. So there is something reinforcing, we are getting something out of parenting our partner. Okay, we are getting something out of it that can that makes us continue to do it. All right. What would it be like? What would it be like? I'm gonna flip this question from what does your What does parenting your partner give you what let's flip it? What would it be like to have a partner that you could collaborate with? What would it be like to have a partner that you are partnering with? What would that do for you? What would that give you? What would that life look like? What would your routines look like? Wow, how aren't you really, really set and think on that before you jump in to part two, because part two is really going to, to kind of dig into the details. But I want you to think of those big picture questions because thinking about trust and thinking about partnering with the love of your life. That is what's gonna keep you sparked