We for the Win! | LQ017

Crystal Clark: 00:00:00

Welcome to our love space today, hope you are starting off your week or your day, or wherever you are in life in a good way. It was interesting this past weekend I was eavesdropping on now we were house sitting for my sister in law. And as he's dropping on a conversation of a couple that was like kind of, we're in like a vacation resort town, and they're kind of out and about and packing up. And anyways, it was interesting, because there's a couple and like their friends, and one of the people from the couple had found some items that they were packing up, and that the language they used when they were talking about this item really intrigued me. So one person was asking questions about this item, like it was something they didn't expect to see there. And they're like, oh, did we bring this here? When did we do that? What did we meet it for? Okay. And then the other person who was I think one of their friends answered and said, Oh, last time we saw you guys, you forgot it. And so we thought we'd just bring it up, you know, on vacation for the weekend. So that we could hand it off to was the gist of it. And then the person goes, Oh, he forgot it last time. And it kind of crony thigh. Kind of thing. Okay. So I could tell that they were annoyed by this fact. But the difference in not just the tone of voice and the fact that you could hear the growl. But the difference in the messaging, just between using the word did we bring this? Did we do this? Did we we wait. And then as soon as it was clear, or maybe clear to that person that someone could be singled out, or forgetting this item. On another occasion, the pronoun for that person was brought in he Oh, he forgot it. And that just really stood out very strongly for me, because it really made it clear that at one point, that person was talking about their significant other about their love of their life as though they were on a team. What did we forget it? Did we bring this? I wonder why we made that choice? It's right. Okay, to the big picture idea of now, someone can be singled out for it. So the way that little word you think we versus he or she are they, right? Just that little change in Oh, I'm talking about as a team, to not singling a person out. And not being a part of the team. It really stood out to me in that moment. Now I know that that is something that I personally use in my relationship with the love of my life. And I actually tend to I thought that when we were first together, I would be like, Oh, we forgot to put up the garden. And he felt actually very singled out that I would say we because he thought I was using more of the Royal weed like I am, you know, using the word weed but actually accusing you of forgetting the garbage. And so we had to have a communication about this, we had to send and receive some messages about how I was using the weed. Now again, my brain very easily goes to that automatic teamwork piece. And so I lucked out a lot of times in that way, there's other things that I have to work more on or that are more difficult for me in relationships, but that teamwork collaboration piece comes a bit more easily to me not after some some work and some tweaks and some things like that, because we all have things to work and tweak on like not over people pleasing and being a good collaborator, because that doesn't actually make you a good collaborator. Anyhow, I digress. So in my personal relationship, you know, I would say like we but what I was intending and what we had to have the communication about is that when I was using we it's because like say hey, for example in our relationship, the garbage the task of taking out the garbage is the is on the My love of life list of chores to do. So we have a few chores that we don't really share because one of us really doesn't like it or or whatever. So we kind of you know how Help each other out with that if like one person hates it, and the other person is like, Nah, I don't hate it, then, you know, we kind of trade off like that. So, but even though it's kind of one person's chore, that doesn't still mean, it's not like a teamwork thing, because if I noticed that it's garbage day and the garbage is not taking out, then I might want to conflict, don't forget, this is painfully kind fully, you know, let the person know, let the love of my life know like, hey, it's garbage that might want to mention it, and might want to be like, oh, did you take the garbage out gap, I wasn't sure I didn't see or like, oh, the garbage is still here. But if he's already gone, and I noticed that it's garbage in the garbage is not out, then I might have to pick up the not even not pick up the flag, I might have to do it just because that's part of life. And sometimes we make oops, is on the jobs that we are supposed to follow through on and the other person has to pick up a little bit. And you know, vice versa, because that happens to all of us. So, you know, I was using the Wii in that case, because I'm probably like, Ah, well, maybe they're, you know, it's part of my responsibility to maybe mention it to be on the same page with that person, or to maybe help out with that. So if the garbage is forgotten, I do feel that it's a week forgotten now, that could could change depending on how you work out those kinds of everyday thing. Okay, so I know that I do it in my relationship. But and then when I saw this couple, do it, or this one person report on there a couple minutes, and it really stood out to me. I was like, you know, what, probably there is actually a bigger basis to this. So that's what we're gonna dive into today is, is it actually important to us we what does it say about our relationship? And how can maybe we implement it more in our every day. So there's actually a big study done in 2018, that looked at comparing a bunch of studies that had already been put out and done with couples, which is great, because when they do a comparative study like that, you can really draw on a lot of participants and a lot of data. So what they looked at is that or what they found when they compared all the studies is that it actually really did matter. When couples use the word week was actually amazingly important when couples use the word weak. So that's an interesting thing to keep in mind. Okay. They found that the couples that used we, when they talked about their joint experiences, and their times with each other, and in the remembering of memories together, that they didn't necessarily themselves know what the benefits are, what they were doing. But they actually had significantly higher reports of happiness, and healthier relationships. Okay, so that's really interesting. They also found out that using wheat was just as valuable for men or women or both people in the relationship. So not just working for one person, but everyone found that sense of using the word we to bring connection and togetherness and that collaborative teamwork, fantastic. So couples that used we just accidentally or were on purpose, they had higher relationship satisfaction, longer relationships, on average, they also had more positive daily interactions. And we'll just we'll hop back to that in a second. And they had high report of mental health, physical health, and tended to have higher scores of just overall, you know, that self care taking care of themselves, health quotient, okay, so those are all pretty big things related to one tiny, small word. Now, you can probably make, we can probably make the smart guests. And if you read went back and read, you know, probably through all of the journal articles, that perhaps couples that use the word we more often have some other things that are going on really well, that allow them to use that word we freely and to, and to not be scared of collaboration, right? Because I think sometimes when we want to use AI a lot, we get a little lost in that idea that we might lose ourselves. So I had talked about that, in the episode, be best friends, a few episodes back if you haven't listened to that go, but do go back and listen to that. Because I do talk about this idea that a lot of times, you know, in, in social media, in mainstream media, in the movies and things like that. We really as a culture.

Crystal Clark: 00:09:53

I have a concern that we're going to lose ourselves in a romantic relationship that we will no longer be herself. And that goes towards other, you know, areas and actually was interesting in another article that popped up on using we is that they actually made a connection between using the word we and attachment styles and people. So coincidentally, when they're looking, and then line these upright people who use the word we and then what kind of attachment style did they have, they actually found that people who had anxious attachments, or avoidant attachments tended to use the word we less when they talked about positive experiences, or when they talked about their relationships. And that this was interesting, because it was almost like a secret indicator of where people maybe were on their attachment styles that they might not report, you know, they might be like, Oh, well, I always talk about I, when I talk, people don't really notice and pick that up about themselves a lot of the time. So that so it could be that some of these big factors were I'm like it can do this. And this and this, there may be some other pieces that are joining in together that lead people to use the word weight. But just like we know that if you are feeling a bit LA, if you're having a hard time, but you try to get your last and you try to get your smiles and that that does signal to your brain, that you are in a better emotional place. And then that allows you to have more natural, incidental smiles. And last and later times. So it can go hand in hand. So you know, I always like, you know, it's hard to know that the chicken or the egg is first aid when things came into being. So you know, it could be that people who have all these other things going us we a lot, but hey, let's use we a lot. And maybe that will help us get the other things going right because it's small word, there is no harm in trying to use it. Though, the big picture idea that we can see from using such a small word is that it can help to create that sense of togetherness, that sense of teamwork, that sense of collaboration, right? And they also found connections to couples that tended to use that, again, these are just overlying data points. But when they looked at couples who tended to have interdependent relationships, so not codependent, but interdependent relationships, they also tend to use the word we a lot. So to actually signifies we might get stuck on it like oh, there was like, oui oui, oui, oui, oui, actually, he might be getting stuck with you or me out there, listen. Sometimes it might be that we're getting stuck on that too much on this idea of losing ourselves in our own personal place there. And so if that's the case, that you are worried about losing your personal identity, by being in a relationship, or joining with someone, or being in a daily 24/7 Teamwork project called a relationship or called a marriage are called, we're going to be together forever, you know, everyone's got their own thing going, then I think that the actually the smaller step you need to go back to so you know, I always talk about as working on things and kind of little steps and little increments. And you know, for some people, we can jump into just working right on implementing trying to use way more. And, you know, even if you're a person who's like, ah, you know, I am afraid of losing myself, we can work on that piece, we might need to go back to that step. While we start to use the word, we're more super important, we can do both of those things. But if we do feel that we are not confident that we are ourselves when we're in a relationship, then that's a piece that we can go work on. The other thing that's nice about we, and this is why I titled the episode, I think it's a we were the win. Because we can often use it, when now. Now I'm picking up on myself using it the whole time. I'm talking to you guys. We can often use that in good times when we're successful when we're talking about happy things. So for example, like, oh, we planned a vacation. We did this thing. Now if the vacation ends up being horrible, that's when we might get into bed there. He shouldn't. He said she said they said Whoever said kind of thing, right? Where it might be like, oh, you know, he planned this part or they bought tickets to this and it was horrible or she did blah, blah, blah, right? We might get into a bit of that calling out when the times are not as great. People be peopling being humans out there. Right. That's just as part of human nature. We're always trying to work it and tweak it. But you know, that happens, right? Okay, so you can Not Not only can you use it when you talk about your successful times, but you can use it when you're problem solving. Right? We need to work this out, we need to brainstorm some things that we can do next time this happens, right? You can use it in those contexts. So it's not just for our successes, it can also be used, we can use the word we, when we're talking to each other, about our oopss, our miscommunications, the things that we want to tweak the things that we need to adjust all of those things. So if you can talk as a team, when things are hard, so this would be like more your advanced expert level, right. So start, if you're just a beginner with the we start with using it for the successes, and build on that. But if you are already doing that, then expert level staff is going to be figuring out where you can or not figuring out trying to use it in times where it is difficult, where there is a bit of conflict, where we are working together to get through a big tough moment, or a difficult time or difficult situation. That is expert level stuff, right there. And if you're wanting to get to that expert level piece, and this is really a communication, you know, kind of focused on our cake model, this would be the see, right for our communication piece and a little bit the kindful piece to I mean, that's always back there background, isn't it. And so it's going to be working on so that will be your expert level thing. But if you're not quite there, if you're wanting to work on this communication piece, then the first step is always to notice, always to notice. So that's one of the things are we using we are we not using we I just told the story when we were out with friends, and I used we great, I just did this thing, and I totally called the person out. And I could have probably used we okay. So that's the that's the next piece is just noticing, noticing which parts you may need to tweak, you might already be at that beginner level. At that, like, Hey, I do use it. Most of the time when I'm talking about our shared experiences. I use the word we fan tastic. But know when we're in a bit of a disagreement, we're were needing to tweak things, we're having a miscommunication, the euthanised come out, okay, well, how can we tweak that a little bit, make it a little bit more we centered and collaborative when we're doing these difficult, hard things. So that's the first piece of noticing that, what do we actually do when these moments come in? Okay. Now, obviously, adding it into real life is great. But so you've noticed that you're like, Oh, we don't use it enough. Add it in 100%. Well, we all just like to wave a magic wand and add it in, right. So that's hard to change is hard. And you can't just always magically add things. And so sometimes we might need extra practice, which when it comes to this kind of stuff, unlike going to, you know, work out at the gym for a particular sport that's coming up where you're like, I have to get in shape for blah, blah, blah sport that I'm really into, or, you know, practicing your musical instrument or rehearsing for a presentation you're going to give those all are a bit more normalized to us. What is not normalized is doing silly practice activities or interesting practice activities, however you want to feel about them exciting practice activities, with your partner with the love of your life at home. Right some of us have been to counseling and have been to maybe relationships seminars and stuff like that, where we get to do it in a group where we get to kind of do it with a professional who's guiding us through it. And that makes it feel less silly or awkward or odd, right? But here we go. Yeah, I invite you to be awkward and odd and silly together and try something out. You know why? Because that also builds into your vulnerability if you're like, look at as do this weird together that is going to build so here we go. So one of the things that you can do

Crystal Clark: 00:19:25

is you can play a game. This is going to be the weekend, where no matter what you guys are talking about for the next 30 minutes while you're making dinner together while you having breakfast together while you're in a car ride somewhere together could even you know make it 60 If you want you could also even do it. Yeah, you can also even do it like the clothes pin game. I don't know if any of you guys have been to baby showers, bridal showers, but they have this like cheesy game that you play old school bridal showers and baby showers where you get little clothes pins and there's like a couple secret words like if The bridal shower, you can't say wedding and you can't say the bride's name, and you can't say gift and whatnot. And if someone catches you saying that word they take your clothes off. And so for people who are visual and who like a little competition and think that's fun, and it's funny in their relationship 100%, go get $1, clothes pegs, snap them to your sleeves, or to the bottom of your shirt or wherever you're going to put them, and do a little closed pad game of this, that for the next 30 or 60 minutes, you can't use the word viewer, I you have to use the word way, even if it's going to be silly, even if it's kind of in the wrong context. And that's just to get it in there and get used to saying it. And it will probably also be funny, because you'll have to use it kind of in the wrong context. Sometimes, right? Like you have to be might have to say something funny, like we need to go pee, I don't know. But there you go. So not using your personal pronouns. Another activity I like. And this can also have some other benefits, which I will get into in other episodes or other times. But I love to do the partner or love of my life, but Lego building activity. Now. This is great, too. If you are a LEGO fan, this is fantastic for you. Because this gives you guys as a partnership as a collaborative team. A chance, maybe I know, you know, the world isn't great for many things nowadays. But this gives you the chance to splurge on a bit of Lego or pick out a Lego set of you know your choosing that you both going to be excited to build. So and I have done this activity in real life with the love of my life more than one time, and it is fantastic. And it always makes us laugh. And sometimes you need a glass of one, but you know, to each their own. So you get a Lego set. And it's nice if it's new, because then it has all the little baggies and whatnot that are numbered. If you're not familiar with Lego, it usually comes with baggies that are numbered for each candidate the steps and I usually say like, you know, if it comes with 20 baggies, you guys can do like two a night or three at night or something like that something reasonable. Because you want to keep this activity short to like 30 to 45 minutes, I think usually if it goes longer than 45 people's brains start to get worn out, and then we might get snappy. That's kind of counsel cancels out the point of this fun activities that's supposed to be fun and enjoyable, or at least Okay, okay. So what you're gonna do is you're gonna get your Lego set, you're gonna pick how many little baggies or how many pages you're doing in the booklet, you have all of the pieces, one person gets like a container or a cookie sheet, or whatever we're putting the pieces in, they get the pieces, kept, the other person gets the instruction book, person with instruction book is going to use the word we for this activity, we, and is going to first tell the person the pieces they need for this step. So maybe there's three or four pieces they have to find, okay. And that's also going to really work on your communication, because you're gonna have to describe the pieces. And the interesting thing you will find out is unless you guys are both super into Lego, you will both call the pieces different things. Like I would call it like a fat piece to mean one of the tall ones and stuff, one of the flatter ones, but the love of my life, he would call that like a double high, or a thick piece or whatever. So we had to kind of figure out what we were naming the pieces. And then remember that that that person's going to maybe name it that way. And then instead of me correcting them, I could be flexible with the way they want to name it right? And how many studs there are how many dots, right? Some of the pieces get really confusing and complicated. You have to be like this one. And the person is allowed to say no, and you're not allowed to point at the pieces. So it's like almost like the person who hasn't instructions is like blind to the pieces you're using until you show them do you mean this piece? And they can say yes or no. If it's a no they have to like briefly describe it to you and not like it's in front of you in the box next to read piece. Now they have to try to figure out what More information can I tell them to help them figure this out, okay. But in those instructions, you're going to say you're going to use the word way, we need a green four by four flat piece, we need to put the grade two by two piece on top of the green flat piece. Now you can tell that I do this a lot with cover photo because I can give them examples pretty fast. But it will be such a fun activity and it helps you practice your way it also helps you again this is like an activity that has so many facets across the cake model for us to work out but yeah, it works on so many great things and it gives you like a fun activity to do. The third one activity that you can do that practices using the Wii is kind of just taking turns to stop and share a memory as in share a story like remember The time we went for dinner, and we did this, and we did that, and then we saw that person and then we so even though that person might remember, and they don't really need to hear the whole story, you are both going to get a turn, telling your little wee story of a funny, romantic, loving, caring, thoughtful, whatever kind of memory, bonding experience memory that you want to share with each other. Now, again, all of these activities are great because they could all be to FERS, all three of those activities can be done on our mega moment of love, which is our word for date night here, if you haven't learned about mega moments of love, I think that's one of our first episodes ever, maybe our second episode. So go back and 100% Listen to our mega moments of love when it will change your date nights. It's so fantastic. So all of these can be to first they can all be a game are an activity to work on how we talk about ourselves using the word we and also on. On er and also an activity for a mega moment of love. Right? It's a twofer. Great. You know me, I love a good two for the right. And the other thing and same thing with the memory when I mean the memory one is almost a three, four, because we've also talked on the show about reminiscing, right, there's a whole episode I think I did on reminiscing and how talking about our shared love experiences with each other actually brings us closer brings us more connection and bonding. And so if you're doing the memory sharing game, you're reminiscing, you're practicing using Wii, and it can be something you do on a mega moment of love. Or it can be something you do for like a mini moment of level you're having breakfast. I don't know when you want to do it. But it's always great when we can double things up, especially when we're always also busy in life where we have many things to do. And it can feel like ah, adding energy into working on our relationship is impossible, but it's not impossible. It's 100% doable. It can be 100% fun. Sometimes in the beginning steps are a little hard, right? But they don't have to be an F as I recommend it for D stigmatizing doing this kind of work, then hopefully you are doing this when you are in a good place. If you are not, it's going to work for you as well. So there's one little word using we that is going to start to build the spirit of teamwork and collaboration and connection and being you know, a whole working unit of love together and bring you together that way and that is going to keep you sparked